no excuses

Oh, hi there friend.

It sure has been a while.

No excuses – no “gee time got away from me!” – no “Ï can’t believe it’s been so long!”

Here’s the truth of it.

Blogging changed, and I decided I wasn’t that interested in it any more.

I pulled the pin and stopped posting. I even stopped checking my blog email address, which is why I no longer have my domain (sadface) because I missed the email where they asked me to update my credit card expiry date – so they gave my domain away. Still not sure why a Japanese security camera company want the domain but whatever. What’s done is done. New domain is in the works.

But I still remain unsure whether I’ll be back here yet.

When I started blogging (over ten years ago) the internet was a very different place. There was no facebook, no twitter, no social media to speak of. We had websites. And our websites were put in webrings. Mine was in the teenage parent webrings, and through it I was able to reach out and email other teen parents across the world. It was fantastic. At the same time, sites like LiveJournal were starting to become popular. Post your thoughts and get comments back from people! How amazing!

So I started journalling/blogging (though that term came a bit later)

It was still 99% US-centric. With the exception of 2 people, all my journalling friends were American. A few years later, it came out that a bunch of my local, real life friends were reading my journal entries. I always wrote under a pseudonym and it felt like a kick in the guts to know they were reading such personal things about me. Who I was interested in, my secret, stupid romantic thoughts – all out there and all read by those who knew the person I was madly in love with. I was mortified. And I locked that shit down.

But I kept writing, because I had linked in with people who by that point had been reading my entries for years. We had watched each other get married, get divorced, have babies, change jobs, change husbands, come out, travel etc etc. They knew the best and the worst of me, and I still consider a lot of them to be friends.

When my baby died, I went even more public. Joined blogger, and joined every site I could that linked up parents who had lost babies (thanks Mel). I went all out, it was all there to see (and still is, I am constantly amazed that after years of walking away from it I still get thousands of hits). I still wrote under a pseudonym, but I freely gave out the address to anyone I knew, because heck – if they wanted to know what was going on with me, they could read it and know. I didn’t have to go through it all in person – writing was always so much easier, had always come to me so much easier than spoken words.

A few years passed, and by this point I felt that I needed to move on from that blog. I had made so many friends through that site, and my reader was always full. I enjoyed keeping up with everyone, but it was time to move on. I had my living baby after my loss, and I needed a place to write more generally about my life.

And NoSuzyHomemaker was born.

Around the same time, there was a boom in Australian blogging. All of a sudden it seemed every mother in the country discovered blogs and jumped on board. It was fantastic – reading all these local stories written in such an authentic Australian voice. I got involved as much as I could in the Aussie blogging community. Even went to a conference.

And then it all started to fall apart.

I began comparing myself to these other bloggers. These bloggers who were constantly being flown across the country by big brands; constantly doing giveaways from companies; being wooed by big companies to write for them.

I couldn’t figure out why it was happening all of a sudden. Was it simply that blogging became such a trend in Australia and brands wanted in on the action? I know as mothers we are huge decision makers and our voice needs to be valued by these companies. I think it’s great that they decided to get on board with bloggers.

But all of a sudden it seemed that everyone was being invited to fancy breakfasts, being sponsored for this and that. Everything became a competition. And I am a competitive mofo. If there is a contest, I have to be in on it and I have to win. Blogging stopped being fun and started feeling like a chore.

I joined twitter, and quickly got scared away by the sheer volume of tweets going out – I couldn’t keep up with that, I had these crazy kids! And renovations! And a wife that needed taking care of!

I created a facebook page…and virtually never posted on it.

It all seemed like so much work! And for what?

Blogging lost its usefulness as a tool for me to work through my issues on ‘paper’. It stopped being about self expression and started being about traffic and stats and branding. And yes, I could have ignored it and kept blogging my own way, but come on. This is me. Please see above paragraph. Competitive mofo - Party of one. If I know it’s happening, I must be in on it.

And I can’t do it.

*****

So, friends, where does this leave us? I am not completely sure.

Will I post again? Most likely.

Will it be sporadic? Definitely.

Will I get right back into it? Possibly, who knows.

All I know for now is that I don’t know.

updates on my not so fascinating life

I cannot believe that I just sat here and read this blog from start to finish. I just couldnt stop. Of course now its 2:30 am and I am going to really regret doing so in a few hours time when I have to be all perfect housewife and mother.

But dude, interesting read.

And here I am again. I'm not sure whats really been going on with me for the last year or so, I've never been quite so disconnected from the online universe. It was unheard of for me to go months without an entry...and here I am with months between even logging into my account - blog, twitter, you name it - I've neglected it.

Life continues to spiral out of control. We are barely hanging on by a thread! Its funny, because for the last few years when things get particularly crazy, we tell ourselves "it's only for a short time...soon we'll be able to relax a bit" but then every single time, something else comes along and it just never slows down!

Current big news is that we are moving again. We did put our beautiful home on the market, but after about 6 weeks, when we had no bidders at the auction and no serious interest, we decided to rent it out instead. And perhaps it was a blessing in disguise because the market is just shite at the moment and we would have taken a loss. This way we do have a small shortfall each week between what we pay out in mortgage and bills etc vs the rent we receive but it's fairly small. And you never know, if the market recovers well, it may prove to be the absolute best thing we could do.

On the very upside, it rented super fast and for the full amount I wanted, so thats a bonus.

And yes, as I said, we are moving again. This time into a rental. I was looking for a house to buy, but without selling our house, we really didn't have the money for another deposit/fees to buy again. So I was also looking for the "perfect rental". And it just so happened to come along...an absolute steal at less than half the market rent - becuase it has a silly HIA order on it - which is nigh on impossible to remove. So it was declared substandard, and even though the owner has done heaps of work to upgrade it, the order remained in place. So I went along to the first inspection and was first to submit an application. I tell you, when she said we were successful it was like winning the lottery. The house is huge and has a huge backyard. It is also in one of the best streets in our area.

This way we keep all our investment properties and wait for the market to recover, and slowly pay back what we have borrowed from our parents. With what we can save, we can easily be debt free in less than 2 years :) It will be interesting to be tenants again and on the other side of the coin.

The kids are all doing well. Manny has regressed a little lately and is somewhat...unruly...but most of the time I can handle it. Bumbles is still a shocking sleeper, but hopefully that will improve. He is sitting up unassisted and playing a lot now, and on the verge of crawling. He is truly the sunniest, happiest, smiliest baby out. He charms everyone he meets. I can't even believe he is 7.5 months old already! And Rocket, well he's actually doing really well! He has a great little group of friends at school, is really showing skillls at basketball, and is actually doing homework. Sometimes he is even helpful around the house! Wonders truly will never cease :P

And now I really must go to sleep. I have two photoshoots tomorrow and an event in the evening so I really need the sleep!

Hasta Luego
(hopefully not too much luego)...

Where I am...

I am feeling pretty happy with my life right at this moment. I am sitting at our dining table surrounded by papers and filing and receipts that should have been dealt with months ago - but the baby is asleep in his sweet little bouncer (purchased with a gift voucher from lovely ladies at my old work), my ten yr old is at his last day of school having a class party with some hastily decorated cupcakes (made this morning - must improve time management) and my sickly 3 year old is in the lounge room watching Charlotte's Web for the third time today. Navratan korma (a veggie curry) is in the slow cooker, coffee is next to me (god bless my mother's espresso machine) and yesterday I got to have a long lunch with my best friend, recently moved back from Melbourne. I live in my ideal area, my kid has nice friends at school, and I am coping better with his Aspergerishness (I know, not a word). Despite living with my mother, my relationship with my Love is still pretty perfect, she is my true other half and my life would be so different without her. Also despite living wth my mother, my mother and I are getting along really well. This is the first time we've spent much time together in over ten years so I think it's been eye opening for her too. Life feels pretty manageable.

***

We are coming up fast on the EOFY. I am a big fan of new beginnings, and as my birthday is mere days after the EOFY it seems a fitting place to have a fresh start. Like a new year. I have a lot planned for this coming year. Things WILL change, because they have to. I feel like I completely missed out on Bumbles newborn babyhood. I mean I was there for every day of it, but mentally, and emotionally, I dont think I was really there.

I have declared a "fresh start" lots of times in the past. And I do believe that each time I have taken steps closer to where I want to be.

Lets hope this time is even more successful!

back on track?

I can't believe the last time I even logged into this blog was the 29th March. Where did the last three months go?  Last we spoke, I was feeling pretty proud of myself. My life was falling into order.

Right before it fell apart.

Things got pretty messy, and pretty bad, and I went through a lot emotionally (kids are fine, wife is fine - all external issues). Life fell on top of me like ten tonnes of bricks and everything outside of getting through the day just fell to the wayside.

I am now in the process of picking myself up and dusting myself off and pulling it all together again.

Our house is finally on the market. First opens this weekend and auction mid july. This house has been the bane of our existence for too long now. The mortgage payments are too high, and there was too much work to be done. We lived there for two years, in its unrenovated state, cursing the fact that it was just too hard to get things done while we lived there, and while we were both working, and while I was TTC and then pregnant.

It is now pristine. Glorious. The rooms have beautiful new carpets, or new hardwood floors. My laundry is sparkling and clean. My kitchen is open, and beautiful, with stone benchtops and my amazing oven, picked so many months ago, and never used. Once again, we have a perfectly beautiful house, that we never got to enjoy.

This is the last time we live in squalor, move out, and make it a palace for someone else.

We are living with my mum still, which is fine, we all get along great and it has actually been quite a blessing to have an extra adult around with the addition of Bumbles early this year. She has loved it too. But lets be honest - we are a family of five and we need more space.

I want to be able to unpack all my boxes that have been stored and shuffled for years. I want all my kitchen stuff unpacked. I want to be able to bake cupcakes and not have to rummage through crates in the garage to find the right pans. I want to unpack all my clothes (the same outfits have been in high rotation for going on a year now!) I want to decorate my own way in my own style.

The only sticking point, of course, is that the property market went downhill and fast right after we bought our house. It will sell for possibly close to $100k less than it might have a few years ago. Of course this is all speculation, but still. We will have enough to pay out all our debts, and some extra. Hopefully enough for another deposit so we can buy, but we know we may have to look at renting again. Not a prospect I'm entirely happy with, but what can you do?

Well I think I've rambled on long enough for now. Care to see the fruits of our unbelievably long labour?

Nice, isnt it? Pity it never looked like this when we lived there!

slowly coming together

I feel like my life is slowly coming into order. And I am so relieved! For the first time in about 5 years I have a very small "To Do" list and nothing outstanding waiting to be done. No bills to be paid, no errands to run, nothing. Well, I still have three houses on the go but other than house stuff, our lives, dare I say it, are sorted!

But firstly and most importantly, Bebe and I have bonded fully. I kiss his tiny face a thousand times a day and I will never tire of cuddling him (even when he's been screaming all day long!) He is an absolute doll. He is finally growing into his 0000 clothes, and is almost outgrown his 00000. I am super proud. I have managed to feed him successfully which is a massive relief, as I was not able to feed the other two :)
He is smiling up a storm and giggling, especially in his sleep.

I can't get enough of him xxx

no sleep and cranky children makes suzy something something....

Little sleep again last night. Managing to have some peace and quiet today because for the last 6 hours I've had the baby in a sling being carried everywhere. This cannot go on! The worst part is being twisted and contorted while I sleep, which apparently has now caused nerve damage because I have a constant tingling in my right thumb and fingers. Ugh so annoying. Please let it not be permanent.

So I have a few minutes to myself today which is lovely but also troubles me.

See I know that there are a million and one things that need to be done on the houses, but as I have all three boys with me today (yay for pupil free days *sarcasm*) and there is NO WAY on god's green earth that I can do anything productive with them around. I know, I've tried. But at the same time, I know that I should be trying to get something done. It bothers me that I am at home all day but unable to get anything moving...we have so much to do!

Contradictions

Almost another month has passed. My crazy 2 year old is officially now a crazy 3 year old. My perfect newborn is now the cutest annoyance ever, refusing to sleep in his lovely cradle, and must sleep between us. And he is a restless sleeper. And every time he wakes, he feels he MUST FEED. So my sleep is pretty much non existent.

Manny was a terrible sleeper. I remember when he was about nine months old, rejoicing to a friend that he had only woken up 5 times that night. It was a record for him.
She was appalled.

But at least with him, once I took Rocket to school in the morning I could come home and lay on the couch with him and watch tv, and nap. Feed him, make myself lunch, nap some more. Go pick up Rocket from school, maybe nap again. Go for a walk, do some shopping, nap. That was pretty much it.

This time around, I cannot sit down for more than a minute because Manny is a wild child who needs to be supervised 24/7. And he resists naps. I have become an expert at breastfeeding while walking around the house. I can feed the baby, take Manny to the bathroom, clean up, cook dinner etc all at the same time.

But I also have a million errands to run all the time for myself, for Lou, for my mother (who we are living with), for the boys. Rocket has playdates, and basketball training, and guitar lessons, and basketball games. He has real homework, and issues to contend with.

We are feeling severe financial pressure and we are renovating our house to sell it and pay down our debts. It is taking way longer than planned and way more money. We are officially out of money. It still needs at least $10,000 to finish. We also have two investment properties that need renovating (and are therefore vacant). I am trying to co-ordinate everything constantly and honestly, it feels like a full time job.

Every day is a rush from one thing to another. I keep asking "when does it slow down?!?"

But this is where the contradictions come in. I am the one that makes my life this busy. I mean, sure, I'd still have the three boys to deal with, but if we didnt own the properties, life would be 1000 times simpler. I'd have more time with Lou (I've barely even seen her for the past four weeks) and she would have more time with the kids.

I know it's what we have to do to get ahead, as she earns peanuts and I'm unemployed, but still. Sometimes I wish I was the kind of person who could just sit on my ass and collect government benefits. But I'm not.

I know that my perpetual busy-ness is my own fault, because I have this need to always have something on the go. But I am starting to get tired of it. I mean really, I am not even working anymore and I STILL have no time to do the things that I really want to do!

I want to get creative, and I want to start on the business ideas that I've had for years. Just little things to do for pocket money, because I enjoy them. But when I have a few spare hours, I find myself in front of the tv, browsing facebook on my phone. Because I honestly dont have the energy for anything else. And then I feel  like a failure. Like I should be able to do it all.

What scares me the most, to be perfectly honest, is that I have had no time at all to enjoy our new gift, our tiny baby boy. I feel like I dont even know him. I certainly havent bonded with him. And that scares the crap out of me.