Ten Weeks

I have come back so many times to try and write an entry, and just haven't been able to.

As of today, I am ten weeks pregnant.

Just typing that scares me. It scares me that it could still end at any moment. It scares me so much that I think I am still in some kind of protect-my-heart-denial.

The same denial that I wrapped myself up in each time I was pregnant, and each time I miscarried. The same denial that prevented me from falling apart each time I lost another precious little baby. I just took it all in my stride. I was so tough.

I wasn't tough. I wasn't a "trooper". I was in denial. I still am. He has graduated to Fetus stage. He looks like a real baby now. But I still can't quite wrap my head around it.

I had a bunch of things that I wanted to do to celebrate, to commemorate this pregnancy. Photo series', collecting pieces of fabric each week to put together to make a little baby quilt for the baby...but I haven't been able to bring myself to it. I just can't.

And every day that goes by reminds me that I am letting all this pass me by, too afraid to feel anything.

Except nausea.

I feel that 24 hours a day.

Absence.

You may have noticed I've been absent. Then again, maybe you haven't. Well here's your update: I've been absent. Not only absent from my blog, but I feel like I've been sort of absent from my life.

Things keep moving on around me, and I feel like I am standing still.

Everyone around me is pregnant (or so it feels. I am up to 8 pregnant friends now). If they aren't pregnant, they are trying. And here we sit, out of options. No more trying for us. Some days I can hardly bear it.

It feels like this immense failure has brought back some of the deep rooted sadness that losing my boy gifted me. I feel like I have been living with it lying dormant, just under my skin, and this current state of failure has brought it back out. Like a blanket it settles over me and I can't shake it off. I am close to tears most moments of most days. I feel like I am only now realising that I also lost two (three?) babies this year as well. I didn't let myself feel it before now because I was still moving. I was going forward, I was thinking "Right. Next step! Let's get going, time's a-wasting". But now there is no moving forward. There is no next step.

And I am a little over a week from the date I should have been giving birth to my first little lost one of 2010. A week. I would have had a baby by Christmas. It barely seems possible.

ICLW rolls around again

Well well it's ICLW again already!

For the first time in awhile I am not mid-IVF this ICLW. I should be, but my clinic are a bunch of raving incompetents.....I digress.

A brief rundown of who I am as a blogger would say:
My name is Suzy.
I have three babies - two boys on earth, one boy in the stars. He was stillborn at term in February 2008 and my heart aches for him every day.
I am now TTC again via IVF/ICSI and have had two consecutive miscarriages at 7 weeks.
I am starting to think that it will never happen for us and that we are just going through the motions.
I watch too much TV.
I recently had a major health scare as my specialists believed I had large brain tumours.
Turns out I don't. Thanks for scaring 10 years off my life though.
I love all three of my children fiercely.
I'm a wannabe perfect housewife who has an aversion to cleaning.
I love my camera and wish I had more time to perfect my art.


That's me. In a nutshell. Welcome. Kick off your shoes in the hallway (everyone else here does) and make yourself at home.

If you didn't laugh, you'd cry...

So after deciding to be more positive, I found myself faced with two awful days where nothing went right! I have to say, to my credit, that I didn't let any of it affect me too badly (though I did a fair amount of sulking on Thursday night!)

Thursday started well, with playgroup in the morning (I love my playgroup friends) but sucked a little because I had to leave early to go for an u/s and bloods. Lets not delve too deeply into the u/s ... safe to say it wasn't the highlight of my day. Saying "ew" should be just about enough to cover it!
Then I went to get bloods done, and I made sure they booked it for the clinic where I know the phlebotomist is really good at drawing my blood (I have notoriously difficult veins which often ends in 20cm bruises up and down my arms). I was happy to see her there and happily chatted with her (what I could understand...her english isnt quite up there yet) while I waited. She asked, in a conspiratorial voice "this IVF...is it very expensive?" I laughed and said "Yes. VERY" and left it at that.

I was feeling ok at this point. Until she stuck me. And it hurt. But I was determined to have a good day so I walked out smiling. Until I pulled off the tape (which caused a reaction and made my arm bright red...NEVER happened before) and discovered a giant bruise. Great. So now I look like a junkie...

Was going to get the train home as Monster was asleep in his stroller and I could get him on and off without him waking...but no, trains weren't running. So in and out of the stroller it was, with him waking and therefore only having a ten minute sleep all day.
Went in to pick up my contact lenses, and they had ordered the wrong prescription. I was currently wearing two left lenses from different sets and pretty desperate, so I took the wrong prescription and threatened that they better check the prescription next time so I'm not going all the way in there for nothing!

Got home, all pumped to finally get some housework achieved...and discovered my mum's dog who we are babysitting while she's in Singapore, had found some sort of hideous sticky grass seeds and rolled around in them and was matted up literally to her eyeballs. Her floppy ears were so matted they were sticking out at 90 degree angles to her head! I just wanted to cry. But instead I sat down and tried to comb them out. IMPOSSIBLE. Have you ever had to call an emergency dog groomer? Who knew there even was such a thing?

What, your dog groomer doesnt drive around in a giant blue dog??

I called and he was there within the hour. I was so relieved I could cry! He got as much out as he could then had to shave her ears off :( I was feeling like I just wanted the day over by this point but was trying to stay upbeat. Then the lovely groomer turned around, brought her in and said "no charge". I could have kissed him. I was so grateful I tried to give him something, but he refused. I tell you what, my faith in mankind was restored by that gesture, and I felt like it was my reward for not letting everything get me down! I did have a bit of a sook in the evening though, and my angelic wife went out and bought me chinese honey chicken and that pretty much made everything better!

Friday I had to work and lets just say within ten minutes of arriving, our server crashed and three computers crapped out and died. The day didnt really improve too much from there. But I kept on keeping on, and then today (Saturday) had the most wonderful day with some friends...and I feel like "i can actually do this" it's not too overwhelming right now, and the more positivity I have, the better I am feeling.

And I can do with all the positivity I can get right now leading up to this, our one and only shot at another baby! Speaking of which I better sign off and go shoot my wife up with some drugs ;) Go.na.lF and Or.galu.tran that is...

On Being "Socially Infertile"

As it's ICLW again (see my sidebar) it seems an appropriate day to post this entry on being "socially infertile".

Isn't that just a charming, quaint way of describing the fact that I cannot get myself duffed without intervention. I am not, in the strictest sense of the word, infertile, as I am capable of conceiving…provided we can find some of those pesky little swimmers, that is.

In my hometown, I am denied access to fertility treatments because I am not, in the strictest sense, infertile. I am “socially infertile” which is just another way of saying “a dirty lesbian who does not deserve to have children as they deserve a mother AND a father”. Oh and don’t try to conceive if you are a single lady either. That’s a big no-no as you are depriving your child of a male influence as clearly the only role model a child can ever have is it’s biological father (I think we can all thank the gods above that this is a load of hooey).

So according to them I am not infertile.

But.

When we decide to have children, we face thousands and thousands of dollars of intervention (IVF) which is something it takes the hetero couples of the world only consider after thoroughly exhausting all other options.

When we decide to have children, we cannot just “get to it” and “hope it will happen”. Without intervention, all the sex in the world will not end with me being with child.

When we decide to have children, it means involving a third (and fourth and fifth and sixth etc) person in something that we wish could just be between the two of us.

When we decide to have children, it can mean months of heartbreak and the fear that if we run out of sperm before we conceive, our children will not be related.

When we decide to have children, it means going away, to another state, and submitting ourselves to be judged, to answer questions and go through counselling, have police checks and background checks, and discuss the most intimate areas of our lives with complete strangers.

Not to even mention the paralysing fear that goes along with being a deadbabymama attempting what can seem like the impossible...bringing home a real. live. baby.

But I still don’t feel as though I fit in with the “true” infertiles of the world (for whom I have great affection) because I am capable of getting myself duffed…and have done so on a few occasions (and a few times I've even brought them home alive).

So where does that leave me, and my current heartbreak over wanting another child and not knowing if it will ever happen?