I have come back so many times to try and write an entry, and just haven't been able to.
As of today, I am ten weeks pregnant.
Just typing that scares me. It scares me that it could still end at any moment. It scares me so much that I think I am still in some kind of protect-my-heart-denial.
The same denial that I wrapped myself up in each time I was pregnant, and each time I miscarried. The same denial that prevented me from falling apart each time I lost another precious little baby. I just took it all in my stride. I was so tough.
I wasn't tough. I wasn't a "trooper". I was in denial. I still am. He has graduated to Fetus stage. He looks like a real baby now. But I still can't quite wrap my head around it.
I had a bunch of things that I wanted to do to celebrate, to commemorate this pregnancy. Photo series', collecting pieces of fabric each week to put together to make a little baby quilt for the baby...but I haven't been able to bring myself to it. I just can't.
And every day that goes by reminds me that I am letting all this pass me by, too afraid to feel anything.
Except nausea.
I feel that 24 hours a day.
You already know my thoughts but I'd like to add, it's never too late to start :)
ReplyDeletei can't say anything that will help you feel better - in fact i think what i want to say would just piss you off and perhaps make you feel better and so i shall say nothing cept this - Kristi's last 6 words are da bomb.
ReplyDeletesending hugs my friend
~x~
*perhaps NOT make you feel better
ReplyDeleteIt's ok to feel how you're feeling right now. When you're ready, you'll start.
ReplyDeleteSending big hugs from North Dakota. You can do this. Go find some fabric you LOVE.
ReplyDelete10 weeks - how wonderful! And it's ok to feel what you're feeling - you have plenty of time!
ReplyDeleteI so wish that you were local, and I could bring you my famous pregnancy nausea-reducing muffins.
ReplyDeleteAnd you are perfectly justified in feeling however you feel. The important thing isn't the journaling or quilting or photos ... it's taking care of yourself.
Oooh, I love the quilt idea! Even though you can't do it right now (which I TOTALLY get), later on I hope you're able to do something special for this baby. 10 weeks - I'm so delighted for you!
ReplyDeleteWhen you are ready - until then, I'll be happy and unguarded about it enough for the both of us. Excuse me while I shout it from my rooftop - I'm so happy!
ReplyDeleteI wonder if that protect-my-heart denial ever actually goes away? After what you've been through I just don't think it's possible to float happily through pregnancy. This is scary stuff you're doing. Hopefully the fear will wane as time goes on, but if it doesn't, I hope you don't beat yourself up over it. Just getting by is good enough. You'll have plenty of time when this little person is born (in a good 25+ weeks and not before!) to revel in him/her.
ReplyDeleteSorry about the nausea though, not fun. I hope it starts to fade as you get closer to 12w.