home at last

oh it was almost one of those "kiss the ground" moments when we finally touched down in our home town this morning!

It was a good holiday but oh my it was hard work. Hard Work. If it was just the toddler, or just the 9 year old, perhaps it would have been ok. But both of them? Whew! It reinforced for me that I am certainly not cut out to homeschool as I do not have the patience! I think we survived really well though, for living in each others pockets 24/7 for the last 3 weeks.

On the upside we went a full three weeks with no phone and no watch, virtually completely apart from our regular lives and it was a great break, time to really think about some changes we want to make in our lives and re-establish our family.

I should be sleeping now but I just feel wacky which is making it hard. I really should though as I have a wedding tomorrow that I have to do bridesmaids hair for so I have to at least try and get over this jetlag nonsense!

Just wanted to pop by and say hey, I'm baaaaack ;)

Holiday!

Hello there, it's been awhile, hasn't it?

So here we are, in New York City :)

We're almost two weeks into the trip and so far we've had a gastro bug go through the whole family making us all sick as dogs for a couple of days, our entire trip to San Francisco rained out (so bad that we couldn't even SEE the Golden Gate Bridge when we were parked next to it!) and a hotel employee stalking us because we made a complaint about him!

But...we also got to spend amazing days with my soul sister and her beautiful family, we got to see the bright lights of Las Vegas, and we got to watch the NYC St Patricks Day parade today. Despite the hideous setbacks, its been pretty good, and hopefully will only get better! We end in Disneyland so hopefully we end on a high :)

I look forward to catching up on everyone's blogs when we get home..

Until then,

love and kisses from the big apple!

Wordless Wednesday - New Ink

Three sessions, seven and a half hours, and one very talented artist friend produced THIS:



The green bird represents my Rocket; the red, Manny; and the little orange one sleeping in the nest is my little star xxx

ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

The funeral was this morning. It was standing room only. So many people there to say goodbye.

Too soon. It was too fucking soon.
You always think you have more time, but you just don't.
I had ten years to tell G what I thought. To tell him I thought he was amazing.
I don't think I ever really did.

Do me a favour. Send an email, a text message, a phone call, or go visit every single friend you have. Tell them how special they are. Tell them what you love about them. Tell them if they need someone, to call you. Never turn someone down if they try to talk to you. Never walk away. Never think they'll be okay, because what if they aren't? What if that's the last time you see them?

I remember the night I met you G. We were about 17 years old. That smile. That smile stays with me. I loved your crooked little smile. I only ever understood half of what you said - my eyes glazed over every time you and the boys started talking pure mathematics and programming.

I wish I remembered the last time I saw you. I wish I had known. I wish I'd taken the time to talk more with you. I wish I had pulled myself out of my own little world and paid more attention.

How often do we really look at our friends? How often do you look them in the eye and say "You, my darling, are a precious gift to this world. If you died I would be heartbroken".

I don't think I loved you enough. I hope that somehow you can see us all down here, tears rolling down our cheeks howling at how unfair it is that such a bright spark should be taken from the world. The world is a darker, poorer place without you in it. I hope you know we all loved you so, so much.

some days I forget...and then I remember.

Most days, you would never know that my child died.
Most people, probably forget that my child died.

I don't walk around crying. I don't talk about him much. I do bring him up in conversation, but not all the time. I don't even carry my grief around with me like a security blanket anymore. It is tucked into a white box under my bed with some of my momentos of him. Every now and then I pull it out, I pull him out, I pull my grief out, and I cry. I cry, and cry and remember him. Remember how I ached for him, how I wailed for him.

But most days, most days I am not a bereaved mother. I am, but you wouldn't know it.

Some days however - like tonight - the realisation of what happened weighs me down like a thousand pound weight on my chest. And I remember. My son died. My baby died. My beautiful 3 pound 7 ounce boy died, and then he was born, and then he was buried. And we were left here on earth to muddle through the rest of our lives without him.

On Sunday, one week from today, he will turn three.

There will be no birthday cake, no balloons. No party with friends and family. No trucks to unwrap, no new books as gifts. There will be no games, no laughter.

There will be tears, and memories of love and loss. There will be pain. And more tears.

this is why we fight.

On Monday I reported to you that I had made a complaint to the authorities regarding what was published in that "family" magazine. I commented that we are fighting like hell to keep our gay youth ALIVE and that kind of bullshit is responsible for letting our youth down, making them feel less than another person. Less worthy of love, less worthy of a family.

And the very next day a beautiful young friend of mine, a friend for almost ten years, a friend who was finally transitioning from female to the male he truly always has been, took his own life.

A truly bright and wonderful soul has been taken from us and ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. You are NOT LESS THAN ANOTHER PERSON. You are worthy of love, you are worthy of passion, you are worthy of a family and a good life.

If you are reading this, join the fight against discrimination against and hatred of the GLBTIQ community. Because I want my dear G to be the last to lose this fight. I do not want another single death recorded. You can stand up and be counted.

This is why it is so important to join the fight for equal rights. Granting things like gay marriage IS important. Not necessarily because all gays want to marry (I am sure G never would have bought into a traditional convention like that!) but because it says "We are equal. We are just as deserving of a loving commitment as you are". And the louder we say that, the more voices that join us, the more able we are to drown out those who seek to put us down.

The louder we are, the more those vulnerable members of our community can hear us, can be heard, can live strong.


G - may you find the peace in death that you never found in life. Rest in peace dear heart.

starting a war...

Oops I may have started a fa.ce.bo.ok war...

It all started when two of my friends were featured in a local family magazine for a story on two mum families. It was a bit nerve wracking because despite their request not to include full names, their full names, and the full name of their son was included all over the article.

The next issue the editor included a particularly nasty letter from someone ranting and raving about how perverted same sex families are. She (the editor) wrote a lovely letter about how all families are equal in their eyes and that beauty is in difference. I lent the magazine my full public support in how they handled it.

The issue obviously hit a few buttons as a number of letters were posted in the months that followed (mostly positive). We thought the whole debacle was over, until I picked up the most recent issue and saw an entire page of "letters" spewing vitriolic hatred towards all same sex families. Without going into specifics, some particular gems included that same sex families are "assaulting the children's rights to a mother and a father" and that we are committing an "abuse of Human Rights under the Geneva convention" (??) and all sorts of other loveliness.

I felt absolutely sick.

So I commented to the editor on her FB that I was disappointed that she had chosen to endorse hate speech and discrimination. That she was endorsing their point of view and putting all our children at risk by doing so. That she was encouraging hatred.

She replied (days later) that she prints a cross section of letters, and that she cant ignore the other side of the argument.

WHAT ARGUMENT? There should BE no other side.

If I chose to write in and say "blacks shouldn't be allowed to have children", do you know how much trouble I would land in? What's the difference?

If I said that disabled people shouldn't be allowed to have children, they never would publish it.

NO ONE can tell anyone else who can, or who can not have children.

End. Of. Story.

The comments have been going back and forth for hours between her and I. I wanted to walk away but I just CAN'T.

My most recent (and hopefully final) comment was this:
If you stand by your decision to publish letters that endorse discrimination and hatred that is your decision, you are the editor, that is your choice.

(and I have lodged a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission in my state and am encouraging everyone I know to do the same)

Her response could be interesting.