But for the last few years it's been a different story.
T
he year my Star was born, Easter fell on 23 March - just a little over three weeks after his birth. In the weeks following his dearth, we barely left the house. I didnt eat for a week, and when I did start, it took weeks before I could eat more than a bite at a time. What I do remember is FUIC and hot cross buns. It was what we survived on. It was our comfort food.The Easter weekend I was convinced to leave the house, to go on our usual vacation. I cried almost the whole weekend. I could barely force myself to interact with Rocket, or set out his gifts. It was probably also the time I had the last good conversation with my ESIL. It was hard. The whole holiday sucked.
Ever since, Easter has been hard. Harder than any other holiday. The closer it falls to his birthday, the harder it hits me. Even without getting into the rebirth/resurrection/"this is a time for new life" theme of the season, it's hard.
This year, with Easter being right at the end of April, it's strange. The timeline has shifted a full month. But when I smell hot cross buns, I am still taken back to that time. I am still in our old house curled up on a mattress on the lounge room floor, numb half the time, howling in pain the other 50% of the time.
I wonder whether I will ever truly enjoy Easter again?
It's hard when the possibility of life was lost just as the spring was promising otherwise. Maybe if, someday, you are able to see Easter as possibility for rebirth, you will be able to enjoy it ... not so much for the chocolate and vacation, but for the opportunity to give ourselves new life, too.
ReplyDeleteSending you love and hugs today...
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry...life changes so drastically with such an immense loss. Thinking of you, sending, love, and holding hope that this Easter is a bit easier ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteIt's amazing how certain smells can take you back in time..I'll be thinking of you this Easter xox
ReplyDeleteIt's awful how previously happy days get stained by death and loss. Easter's been tough for me, too since I found out I was pregnant with Miles on EASTER and he was due at CHRISTMAS. Two holidays with one awful blow! Hope you manage to have a good day this year despite all the sad memories of losing your Starbaby. All the cute things you got for your kids should help a bit!
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