I feel lost, and in a rut. The weekend saw another of my birthdays come and go, and all I can feel is that yet another year has passed me by with no change, just with me going through the motions.I haven't achieved anything, haven't changed any of the things I wanted to over the last year. I still have no passion, no drive, no real focus. Every day is the same. Work, home, chores, tv, bed.
It's just. so. normal. It's so mundane. I need something bright, something interesting to focus on. I tried the photography thing. But my poor little ego is too fragile and I take things too personally. And I am moderately obsessive. And a total perfectionist. No photo is ever right, ever the way it's 'supposed to be'. So I spend hours obsessing over every edit. Then days obsessing when I finally send out the photos - when the person doesn't contact me straight away all I can think is "they hate them! They're disappointed and they think I'm crap. I am crap. I should never do this again".
So the photography thing didn't really work out....
I have to keep telling myself that the fact that just about everyone in the blogosphere is writing a book, or starting a business, or making a fortune off their blogs - does not mean that I have to. Plenty of people lead perfectly monotonous lives and are perfectly content with them.
Why aren't I?
I haven't been focussing on anything in particular lately. I haven't been working on our renovations, I haven't had any sort of project on the go. I think that contributes to my general feeling of melancholy and rut-ness. I get this way periodically. I think also that spending so long actively trying to conceive has taken its toll. We have quite literally spent the better part of a year and a half undergoing fertility treatments one after the other after the other, pausing only each time I conceived, and starting again straight after each miscarriage. The only time we truly paused was when we went on our spur of the moment trip across the planet. And now, here I sit, possibly hopefully done with them for at least (please god) a year or so - and it feels like we have dedicated so much to the process, forgetting everything else.
It feels like waking up from a very long, tedious, boring nightmare to be honest with you.
I completely understand this feeling of mediocrity. I think TTC can completely take over our lives in an unhealthy way - not that I would have done anything differently... But now that you're done with that for awhile (please god from me too!) it's ok to start thinking about other items in your life! Thanks for being honest...
ReplyDeletefirst, Happy Birthday! It's so hard to figure out what you want to do when you've been defined by cycles for so long, by things external to you. I like yoga for "looking inwards" practice ... maybe something like that would help?
ReplyDeleteAnd not everyone is starting a business or writing a book ... some of us are just trying to get enough sleep!
I TOTALLY understand what you're feeling.And it feels blah to feel blah when you don't really feel like you should be feeling blah! ;)I did that for over a year except for a week when this crazy chick took a spur of the moment trip across the planet and it totally gave me something to look forward to and I realized "wow! I've been living in this bubble, with a drive towards this thing that seemed unattainable and now that I've attained it, I have no idea what to do with myself." I had to get ok with just "being" for awhile and then well, you know the rest. ;) It's ok to "be" without a huge drive to "do" right now. xoxo
ReplyDeleteJust checking in on you, but I see you haven't posted anything yet about your appointment. I hope you and your little one are OK!!
ReplyDeleteI'm feeling the same way- and just had a birthday as well. Baby-making does seem to put your creative life on hold. I can't say anything soothing, just that you're not alone.
ReplyDeleteFX re: the scan!!! Please let us know how it went!!!
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