I have been thinking a lot lately. By thinking I mean just diving into my deepest thoughts and wallowing there for hours at a time. I've been staying up stupidly late to avoid those moments when I get into bed and lie there for hours just thinking. Wallowing. Crying. All the sadness inside me thrives on the silence and the darkness, and just bursts out of me as soon as I lie down for the night.
My thoughts of G, of the awful way his life ended, have been haunting me lately. Obviously judging from other mutual friends on FB, the feeling is going around. That suicide is ever the option just breaks my heart, and we lost two of our small community of friends within four months of each other. I can't even fathom the depths of despair they each found themselves in. I thought I had been to those depths, but I don't think I truly have, and that thought scares the absolute shit out of me. Because where I have been? Is pretty fucking dark. I dread to think of how their final days must have been. And I know it isn't healthy to think about such things, especially for someone with a somewhat precarious mental health stability myself. And yet...I do.
I only realised the other day, that this baby is due on the first anniversary of the death of our G. Life is such a funny beast.
*hugs* Sending some calming and light vibes to that deep part of your brain!
ReplyDeleteYou've got such an amazing message here. These stories are so important to share! I'm visiting from ICLW and I'll be stopping by to get to know you better this week :)
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that you're struggling--both with your own darkness and that added by friends. I hope that you can find more light and enjoyment to brighten your mood. I'm stopping by from ICLW and I'll be following you to keep up.
ReplyDeleteICLW#6
i can't imagine what you feel and am so sorry for your loss of G. i'm not overly religious but am always interested in things like when a baby is due on a death anniversary. my son was due on my late mom's bday; my niece (another infertile)is finally pregnant and due on her late mom's death anniversary and now your baby with G's anniv. Sometimes i feel a kind of peace like its a gift from them. Anyway, best wishes to you and your growing family. (And ditching law school was the BEST thing you ever did. wish we hung out together and you talked me out of going thru it!)
ReplyDeleteHi. I’m Tracey from the Fertility Daily (ICLW # 56).
I’m an IVF mom of two, who blogs for my old RE as my way of giving back. I’m on a quest to help others TTC, especially those who can’t afford IVF. East Coast Fertility’s giving away a free Micro-IVF cycle and you can enter to win thru 8/28 at http://www.eastcoastfertility.com/about/blog/blog-entry/archive/2011/august/article/ecfs-extreme-family-building-makeover-video-contest/?tx_ttnews%5Bday%5D=01&cHash=a6f7a8f9f3d38be671d74bd524251f81