overwhelmed

Things are overwhelming here in my little corner of the world.
I haven't had the emotional energy to come here and blog, despite having thoughts of what I could blog about most days...I sit in front of the computer at the end of the day and my mind goes blank.

I may have already said, but we got a bit of a rude awakening from our accountant recently regarding some financial decisions I made a few years ago, and it's prompted a total re-think of our investment strategy and had caused a great many late nights up reading, and learning, and reading some more.

I think I'm about on top of it, but it does mean that we have decided to sell our house without building the extension that's been in the works for months and months. It also means we have to get our butts into gear and renovate/update the place ASAP in order to make it enticing as it is (not a very big house currently, hence the extension plans). Hoping that a low price that allows us to simply break even will make it sell quickly, as it will be the cheapest beachfront property around.

All this in the same week that we settled on investment property #4 (only 2 currently held) - which puts all our reno plans for that one on hold indefinitely! Phew.

Add to that the fact that I am 7 months pregnant and definitely not feeling the best at the moment, and the 2 year old has reached hyperspeed and yells non-stop - there isnt a moment of peace around here!

Moving plans are well underway - you wouldn't know it by looking at the house but we are moving tomorrow (eep!) I should really be up right now packing, but I've woken up this morning with a pain in my hip that makes merely standing up a very painful exercise.

Moving should be fun!

Oh did I mention it's raining for the first time in weeks too? Typical...

28 Weeks

It's hard to believe I am 28 weeks pregnant today.

A year ago it seemed like this day would never come. I thought we were doomed to repeat the same cycle of loss over and over. To be honest, I didn't know how many more times I could put us both through it.

And here I am with a (so far) (knock on wood) healthy baby, weighing in at 2 lb 11oz already :)

Feeling all the giant thumps and kicks...amazing

Moving, moving, moving on

It has been a long ass month. And we are only halfway through it!

But finally I am moving forward. The past few months have been filled with plans of renovating, dealing with builders, day to day struggles of a high maintenance 9 year old and a willful 2 year old both trying to exert their dominance, deciding whether to continue at work or resign, and just getting into my rut of being brought down by the minutiae of daily life.

Of course I also decided to buy another investment property at the same time. An old stone villa in serious disrepair that was an absolute steal. Also possibly may fall down at some point. Structural schmucktural. I'm sure it'll be fine...Fairly sure...Yeah she'll be fine.


We are also literally moving......in with my mother. My slightly neurotic, gets on my nerves, too much like me, mother. It should only be for 6 months. While we renovate our house and put it on the market. Oh and renovate the new investment property. Oh and have the baby.

My mother has lived on her own for ten years. She's about to have a house full. My kids are LOUD. I am LOUD. My mother is QUIET. Should be.....interesting?

Survivor's guilt?

Mama guilt. 

We all have it. Some of us, like my Catholic mother, become experts at passing the guilt on to their children. But I feel confident in saying we all experience it in some form throughout our parenthood journey. Those of us who go back to work feel guilty for leaving our kids (at least I do). Those who stay at home have different triggers.

Mine feels like a whole new breed of Mama Guilt. That of the mother who survives a child.

I have heard so many times "losing my baby has made me a better person" and I've commented before how I didn't feel that was necessarily the case for me. Another gem that seems to pop up a lot is "I've become a better mother since my baby died".

Another one that just doesn't seem to ring true for me. It should, though. I mean, once you have buried a child, surely you understand just how precious and amazing a gift your living children are....right?

Well of course you do.

However. Having said that...your precious darling treasures will still drive you crazy with their incessant whining. As mine has today. It has been a hard work day. And I have yelled. And then I felt guilty. And then I walked past photos of my Starbaby and felt doubly guilty.

Because I love my kids. But my WORD can they drive me insane.

motivation?

How do you motivate yourself to get going?
Motivation is a key word that seems to keep bringing people to my blog...which is amusing considering I mostly talk about my lack of motivation.
Why, right now, I am sitting in front of the TV watching Supernatural eating Fruit n Nut chocolate. I had planned on doing a great many things today, on my day off. And yet....the Little is asleep peacefully on the couch and I could be doing any one of the many things I always claim I want to do...and yet...

Dia de los Angelitos

One of the traditions I have observed each year since my baby's death is Dia de los Angelitos, on the evening of the 1st November each year. I create an ofrenda for him and devote some time to remembering his spirit.


My ofrenda usually includes orange marigolds, but this year the day snuck up on me and instead I crept out at night into my back garden and picked the first flower I saw...a small, perfectly formed rose. I could not have picked a more perfect flower for him.

I leave toys, always a new and different Pez, as my Lou collects them. I leave trinkets and candies, and again, normally we make and decorate beautiful sugar skulls (the one pictured is from 2008), but sadly not this year.

I leave him his teddies, and a pillow and his blankets so that his spirit can rest after his long journey.

I leave a light on in the window all night to guide his spirit home.  I feel him the closest on this night, more than his birthdays, more than any other day. I know he is with us.



Do you have any traditions that you stumbled across that have become important to you over the years?

Running out of room in here...

There are so many things on my mind at the moment that I am finding it hard to find the headspace, rather than the time, to sit down and blog. My brain seems to be reaching critical mass.

My primary concern right now is the bad news we got from our accountant last week, about a stupid decision I made to sell one of our investment properties within 12 months of it being transferred to me *headdesk* yes holding it for only a few more months would have reduced my CGT liability by 50%.


You live, you learn.

So that's what I have been doing for the past week. Learning. Reading, reading, reading, and developing new strategies for dealing with our investments and liabilities. Prudent timing also, as I did in fact go and buy another investment property recently (settlement in 2 weeks!) and all of my newfound knowledge will hopefully assist me moving forward.

We are still packing up our house with the vain hope that we will have to move out soon for the renovations to start (but just quietly, I am not holding my breath).

I have bit the bullet and decided to make an appointment with the GP to get my big kid tested and find out what is going on with him. I'm pretty sure its some form of ADD, but accept that there is a possibility of him being on the autism spectrum. I've thought it many times over the past few years and done what I could to reduce the problems, but he's just not coping at school so its time I find out what's going on.

Also, our car decided to fall apart this week too (literally) so that's taken up some headspace, and my mind is still reeling from all the things I learnt at ProBlogger.

I have a lot of things on my "to do" list and even more on my "to write about" list...but alas, they may have to wait.

Oh and I foolishly signed up for NaNoWriMo...again. I have yet to complete it, tried three years in a row. Perhaps this time will be different??

Is anyone else out there foolish enough to attempt it this year?