Friday, December 31, 2010

My Wish for You

To those of you who read along with me throughout the last year, for those of you who held me up in moments of grief, and celebrated with me in moments of joy, I thank you.

I do not believe that those who do not blog, can truly comprehend how amazing it can be, how miraculous that your words can reach someone halfway across the world, and that someone halfway across the world can reach you, and touch your heart.

In 2010 I was gifted so many things. I had my Hercules-Baby for 7 weeks, and my Walnut/s for another 7. Seven is my Lou's favourite number of all time. I was gifted friendship, and comraderie with women I have never met, and possibly never will meet.

I began this new blog, and shook off the shackles of grief that tied me to my last blog. I tried, and failed, to do things, but I shook myself off and went back for more.

You helped me through all of that.

And for that, I thank you.

And I pray that your 2011 beats the pants off your 2010 (even if it was a fantastic year for you).

I wish it only gets better from here for you.

I wish you happiness.

I wish you love.

and I wish you peace.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

2010 Retrospective

1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?
Miscarried. Ha. Ha. Ha. No really. That's the first thing that comes to mind.

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I actually didn't make any last year. I probably resolved to be a better parent. Not yell as much. If that is the case: Epic FAIL. I do have a whole list for this year though...we'll see how they go. Ask me in a year.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Unfortunately, yes.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
My two (three?) babies. A dear friend from Gaelic.

5. What countries did you visit?
None. Again. Sick of being stuck on this sunburnt island!

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
Der. A living baby.

7. What date from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
1 June 2010. The day I miscarried our Hercules. Also the day after the SIL had a baby and broke our hearts by using our dead son's name against our wishes.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Not punching said SIL.

9. What was your biggest failure?
A December photoshoot. Nearly gave myself a nervous breakdown over it. Also the whole not yelling thing. The wanting to be a better mother thing. Yeah that.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Illness? Yeah a few small things. Injury - only my heart.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
4 IVF cycles? Har har. Probably our new car :)

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My amazing partner who not only puts up with me but loves me for my flaws and insecurities, and insane moments. Who grounds me and comforts me.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Need I say it again? SIL.

14. Where did most of your money go?

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Being pregnant. Bah humbug do you see a pattern?

16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2010?
You've Got the Love

I know it's not from this year, but it's a song that has stuck with me this year. Every time I hear it I cry. And I'm not sure if I ever told her, but this song makes me think of my soul sister. I'll have to explain it to her one day....

ALSO...absolutely this one:

Because there are a LOT of assholes, scumbags and douchebags in our lives ;)

and of course on the same vein:

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. Happier or sadder?
Hmm hard to say. Towards the end of the year most definitely 100% sadder. But on a whole...about the same.

iii. Thinner or fatter?
Thinner actually. I should have been about to give birth/just have given birth so I should be fatter. Meh. Again with my standard theme ;)

v. Richer or poorer?
Definitely poorer. Although we did sell 2 of our we have far less debt now. If you excluded the $25k+ that we spent on IVF I guess we could be considered richer...

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Hmm. Enjoying my children.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Work. Too much work, not enough play!

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
We spent it at home, and planned on putting our foot down and refusing to leave the house for anything. Ended up driving out to the inlaws for dinner anyway! BUT it was on our terms and no timelines, no-one getting pissed off that we were late (which is what happened last was SHIT)

21. How many one-night stands?

22. What was your favorite TV program
Definitely "Spirited". Loved it! If you're in Australia and have cable - shame on you if you didn't watch it (on W). Get hold of it if you can it's fantastic :)

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Hate is SUCH a strong word. I dont think I could ever HATE anyone. But take a very tiny step down from hate and yes. Absolutely I do. I think you can all fill in the blanks.

24. What was the best book you read?
Hmm. Thats a hard one.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
The Rockabye Baby CDs at our library. Lullaby rendition of Nirvana, TOOL, Bob Marley, Pink Floyd...omg love it.

26. What did you want and get?
My health. NO BRAIN TUMOURS!!!!

27. What was your favorite film of this year?
Tomorrow When the War Began. Not as good as the books for sure, but still a good film.

28. What did you do on your birthday?
Dinner out with my mum, MIL, nanny, partner and kids.

29. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
Hahahaha. Concept?
Recycle-chic? A little bit vintage, a little bit retro, and a little bit whatever I could find at the recycled clothing store :)

30. What kept you sane?
My Lou. Every single day she saves me from myself. Every. Single. Day.

31. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Pfft none of them.

32. What political issue stirred you the most?
The election. The stabbing in the back of our Prime Minister and gaining our first female PM through the worst means possible. For Shame Julia.
Also all the constant debate over Marriage Equality. Sending out a big f*** you to the politicians who still maintain the public doesn't want marriage rights even after inquest after inquest show we do.

33. Who did you miss?
My baby. My boy. Every single fucking day.

34. Who was the best new person you met?
Did I meet anyone this year?

35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010: Yikes. I have to be deep now? I suppose not letting what other people do with their own lives affect me. I can choose how badly it affects me and decide not to let myself fall apart because of it.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Five Years

Friday the 17th December 2010 marked five wonderful, long, devastating, superb, happy, sad, amazing years with my would-be-wife.

It amazes me that it has only been five years as I believe we have endured more sadness and felt more joy than I think some couple would in twenty years.

I planned a surprise night away here:

and was hoping like mad that she wasn't planning a night out or a dinner secretly as well. I tried all week to find out if she had planned anything...turns out I needn't have worried, she completely forgot! I asked her to call past my mum's work to pick something up for me, and when she saw me there she was so confused. I didn't tell her anything, just said "surprise!"
Put the baby seat in mum's car and packed her off with the kids and Lou was even more confused (mum was in on the plan). Got back in the car and she could NOT figure out what was going on...until we walked into the hotel! "What's this about?" she asked, and I pointed to the "Happy Anniversary" card I had put on the table.

"OH!" she says "I remembered last week then I forgot again!"

We had a remedial massage in room which was sorely needed (we both have the bones/joints of an 80 year old - her from football, me from breaking horses) and lay around eating and watching movies. Slept in uninterrupted. It was heavenly. Then we went home to the screaming mess that is our house (and children). Decided we should do that at least every 3 months :)

And am I upset that she forgot? Absolutely not! It's awesome for two reasons: (1) I wanted it to be a surprise, and it really was and (2) I can hold it over her for the NEXT five years that she forgot our anniversary :)

Wednesday, December 15, 2010


You may have noticed I've been absent. Then again, maybe you haven't. Well here's your update: I've been absent. Not only absent from my blog, but I feel like I've been sort of absent from my life.

Things keep moving on around me, and I feel like I am standing still.

Everyone around me is pregnant (or so it feels. I am up to 8 pregnant friends now). If they aren't pregnant, they are trying. And here we sit, out of options. No more trying for us. Some days I can hardly bear it.

It feels like this immense failure has brought back some of the deep rooted sadness that losing my boy gifted me. I feel like I have been living with it lying dormant, just under my skin, and this current state of failure has brought it back out. Like a blanket it settles over me and I can't shake it off. I am close to tears most moments of most days. I feel like I am only now realising that I also lost two (three?) babies this year as well. I didn't let myself feel it before now because I was still moving. I was going forward, I was thinking "Right. Next step! Let's get going, time's a-wasting". But now there is no moving forward. There is no next step.

And I am a little over a week from the date I should have been giving birth to my first little lost one of 2010. A week. I would have had a baby by Christmas. It barely seems possible.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

braincakes :)

Tally so far = Nic 2, Brain Tumour 0

Thank you for the prayers, I believe in the power of prayer, and she is doing so well!

So I share with you today - how to make your friend cupcakes after her second brain surgery in a week.

STEP ONE: Bake pink cupcakes

STEP TWO: Make pink italian meringue frosting

STEP THREE: Pipe frosting onto cupcakes like so:

STEP FOUR: Voila! Brain cupcakes! Braaaaaaainnnnsssssss.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

back again.

I've tried to write about 5 posts since Wednesday.
I just can't bring myself to post any of them.
Nic is headed back in for another brain surgery on Monday.
Please send all the healing vibes and love you can to her and her girl.

Anything I would say here pales in comparison to what they are going through right now. This was all supposed to be over already.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

surgery day

Just a quick one as I am overloaded with work today.

First off some good news: my little man is all healed and home from hospital!!

and today is Nic's surgery. Please hold her and her partner close in your thoughts and prayers for me today. She is being such a trooper, she just takes everything in her stride. It's her partner that needs our support as she has to sit and wait in the ICU until they can bring her around.

I will be back to blogging soon (I hope) when all my energy isn't being diverted elsewhere - when nic is home where she belongs fit and healthy (and cancer free please).

Monday, November 15, 2010

Prayers required.

Please say a prayer for my friends who have just lost their daughter at around 20 weeks.
Please say a prayer for my friend who lost her mother last week.
Please say a prayer for my friend who lost her mother in law.
Please say a prayer for my friend who just had a stroke.
Please say a prayer for my friend who has just been diagnosed with a brain tumour. She is not even 30 years old.

It's been a fucker of a week.

I'm not sure whether to be mad as hell at the universe or grateful that these things are not happening to me.

I tell you I would take a hundred years of my fertility struggles if it lightened their load at all at this time. Sure as hell puts my own problems into perspective.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

The Thirds

It has started.

All the third not-birthdays are rolling around. Which means it is only a matter of months before it is my Starbaby's third not-birthday.

To all the members of my DBMafia - whether you are here reading this or not - your babies live on in my heart. They all made a mark on me in such a profound way and they will always be loved. Those of you missing your little ones all about to "turn" three - I was there with you in the beginning, you saved me, you saved my sanity and my life - to know that I wasn't alone - to know that what I felt was ok - I cannot imagine how I would have passed those first months without you.

To my DBMafia...I remember. I love them too. Happy Third Birthdays, I wish we could see you all blowing out your candles and opening your gifts. I hope you are all partying together somewhere in the stars.

Friday, October 29, 2010

breaking point

Like a fever, my depression broke at about 8:30pm last night. I reached my breaking point, I yelled in the middle of the shopping centre, and I got better.

Manny rewarded me by keeping me up all night. Thanks little dude.
He is being awfully cute today though, driving his wooden trains up and down my arms making "woo woo" noises so all is forgiven.

I just felt the most overwhelming sadness yesterday. It all came to a head when I felt I had to cancel my tattoo appointment, and my artist, my friend, got pretty upset about it (she's had a lot of cancellations lately and is really struggling financially). I burst into tears and cried fairly uncontrollably for most of the day. We were each the straw that broke each others back.

Grief is an unpredictable beast. My mental health is fragile on a good day, and two years out from the death of my boy, I'm still not having as many good days as I'd like. I've felt it building for a long while. A long while. I do feel like it peaked last night, and I'm hoping I'm on my way out of it now.

Thank you for continuing to come here and give me love when I need it - I'm going to try to make it back to everyone's blogs and pass on the love :)

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

see beauty

see beauty/see beauty/see beauty

All I can do is chant to myself that I need to keep trying to see the beauty in the world because sometimes I fear the sadness will overwhelm and envelop me and I may never see the light again.

see beauty.

see beauty.

see beauty.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Wave of Light

My candles lit for the Wave of Light across the world for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. One for my miscarried babies, one for my Starbaby, and a multi petalled one to represent all the very loved and wanted babies of friends, my baby's special playmates in the stars.

We remember them every day, and love them every minute.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

to derby, or not to derby...

I just don't know what to do about derby this year. Training starts NEXT WEEK. I'm registered, but I don't know whether I should even go along. What happens if I get (and stay) pregnant? I won't be able to train or play and I'd be taking a place away from someone else who might really really want to be there.

But what if I DONT get pregnant, or what if I do and miscarry again? I would really need the outlet to be able to fight and skate out some of my anger and bitterness.

Plus its kind of flattering that two of the top players in our city's top league keep asking whether I will go for fresh meat with their league.

Oh it's a derby dilemma. Dammit.

Monday, October 4, 2010


Hello dahlings, it's been awhile. Would you believe that we finally made it away for a weekend? I have been dying for a break for months now, and my darling girl delivered, taking a day off work so we could go away for 3 days :) I have loads of lovely photos to share of the beach and the fishing fun that was had, but I am so tired and haven't uploaded them all yet, I'll save that for tomorrow.

*sidenote* eww I just squashed a gigantic blowfly...with my notebook. Ew. Didn't think that one through...may have to throw it away now...*

Been feeling a little nostalgic today, reading my old blogs that I just discovered - I thought they were lost in time and the internets (way back in 2002 - I was still a teenager, how bizarre). One of my favourite lines in there had to be "I'll tell you all about how my future nearly got flushed down the dunny like a dead goldfish today". Ah, good times :)

I don't have terribly much to say today. Am in a bit of a rough baby spot at the moment, feeling my grief more than usual. I think I'm going to leave this short and pointless entry here, I'm feeling a little sad and need to go watch some really crappy late night tv and have a cry.

Stillbirth, the gift that keeps on giving, and giving, and fucking giving.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

love and a snickers bar

Oh for the love of Pete, my house looks like a tornado ripped through it. Just call me Dorothy.
There are piles and piles of stuff just everywhere. It's getting ridiculous. I cleaned this damn house just a couple of days ago, and now we look like something from Hoarders.

I would have cleaned up tonight, but we spent all day at roller derby (grand finals!!)(we won!!) and I decided lying in bed watching Property Ladder, eating a Snickers bar and reading blogs was a much better idea.

I think I might actually reach Iron Commenter status this month after YEARS of wishing I could! Of course this means my other blogs are completely neglected and my google reader is overflowing. Meh. Can't win 'em all...

Look at what my Roccie sent me:

Love. Just love.

I fucking love the blogosphere man. Across the world, my starbaby has touched a life, so much that someone I've never met, took a photo of a car they saw randomly with his bloggy nickname on it. Blows my mind.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

just another saturday night...

Tonight I made an actual meal, planned in advance - corned beef cooked in the slow cooker all day. Decided at dinner time I didn't want it, ordered chinese instead.
Stuffed my face with satay chicken, steamed dim sim and crispy steak with plum sauce.
Sat here and read Edenland from start to finish. Think I may be in love with this ocka woman in the mountains ;)
Ate a full bag of prawn chips.
Got sick of getting up and down to the fridge so bought the 2L bottle of pepsi to me instead and am swigging it from the bottle. Lou would smack me if she knew. Good thing she piked on me at 9pm.
Spent an inordinate amount of time staring at the little footprint on my hip. Am just overwhelmed by it.
Wondered why the hell my 8 year old is incapable of switching off the bathroom light (also why he insists on using the upstairs bathroom even when he is downstairs in his room (and the downstairs bathroom is right next to his room)).

Pretty happening night here, by all accounts.

Saturday nights for me used to mean wild times, insane adventures and too many substances to count. Now the only adventures I have are vicariously through Walker, Texas Ranger (oh Chuck Norris you action hero you).

Friday, September 24, 2010

in love with ink...

I had such a beautiful time being tattooed, it's a bit of a high I have to come down from now ;)

My tattoo artist is an old friend, who I have known for over ten years now. It's one of those funny friendships where you lose touch, then pick up, then lose touch, then pick up.

We talked about everything. We talked about miscarriages and foster care and adoption. We talked about my evil SIL and her psycho ex boyfriend. We talked about gypsies and going bush. We talked about our mutual friend and how in love he is for the first time and how beautiful and strange his new boyfriend is. We talked about zombies and artists. We talked about mushrooms and the youth of today and how much they suck. Then we laughed about becoming crotchety old ladies (keep in mind neither of us are close to thirty yet....)

It was so relaxed. I helped her mix up the colours to get the right shades. I took photos as she worked. It was one of the loveliest experiences and I would go back every week if I could.

I am so in love with my new ink that I can't stop staring at it. I used to pull out Starbaby's envelope of footprints so often and stare at them. Now I can just look down and he's there. Its a beautiful thing, I can't explain what it means to have it there, and what it means that she was the one to put it there.

She kept saying "I hope I do him justice"

You did darling. In spades.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Wordless Wednesday - New Ink

Almost Wordless Wednesday (I can't help myself!)

Each blossom to represent each of my lost babies...

Starbaby's actual footprint :)
He had big feet for a 3lb baby!

Lovely new ink from my beautiful friend. Ignore the fact I still look pregnant in my last photo...I assure you I'm not :(

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

ICLW rolls around again

Well well it's ICLW again already!

For the first time in awhile I am not mid-IVF this ICLW. I should be, but my clinic are a bunch of raving incompetents.....I digress.

A brief rundown of who I am as a blogger would say:
My name is Suzy.
I have three babies - two boys on earth, one boy in the stars. He was stillborn at term in February 2008 and my heart aches for him every day.
I am now TTC again via IVF/ICSI and have had two consecutive miscarriages at 7 weeks.
I am starting to think that it will never happen for us and that we are just going through the motions.
I watch too much TV.
I recently had a major health scare as my specialists believed I had large brain tumours.
Turns out I don't. Thanks for scaring 10 years off my life though.
I love all three of my children fiercely.
I'm a wannabe perfect housewife who has an aversion to cleaning.
I love my camera and wish I had more time to perfect my art.

That's me. In a nutshell. Welcome. Kick off your shoes in the hallway (everyone else here does) and make yourself at home.

Monday, September 20, 2010

nothing but blue skies

I went for a walk yesterday. I needed to buy some baking supplies to make my MIL a birthday cake, so I decided to take Manny for a walk to the supermarket instead of driving. There were looming angry looking grey clouds all around, but I just grabbed jackets and blankets and went anyway.

Incredibly, the sun shone on us the entire walk there, and back (about 35-40 minutes). I got so warm I took off my cardigan and walked in short sleeves. Rainclouds everywhere, but directly above us, blue sky.

My losses are those grey rainclouds. Always looming, always there on the periphery of my life. But there is always a patch of blue sky, and today I am choosing to walk in the sun.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Motivation...or lack thereof

I want to be better. Better than I am right now. I want to get off my ass and do something but I continue to pitifully make excuses for myself.

"Manny is sick, when he gets better I will xxxx"

"I just need to get over the miscarriage, then I'll xxxx"
closely followed by "I just need to get over this miscarriage, then I'll xxxx"

"As soon as I get over this cold I'll xxxx"

But here I still sit night after night, watching reruns of ER and surfing through blogs.

I want to have an immaculate house where everything has a place. Who am I kidding? I vaccuum twice a day in our living/kitchen area, so vast is the mess my boys create in mere minutes. Immaculate is just not going to happen. Between my darling boys creating chaos in every direction, and my Lou coming home and leaving bags/coats/miscellaneous crap strewn from one end of the house to the oasis is more of a junkpile. Plus everything here is so temporary. We are only here until we sell our other house and get the money to renovate. Then we will renovate and sell this place and buy our forever house. So at the moment we feel like we are living as squatters here.

I want to finally get back into creating. I want to take more photos. I want to finally start some photobooks of the boys. I want to use all the reams and reams of fabric I have sitting in the garage.

I want to finally jump into my own business. I know that I would be happier if I were kept busy instead of sitting here wishing I had the motivation to do something. WHen it's not urgent, I just don't do anything. I have discovered that I have only got proper motivation if I have a looming deadline and then I panicpanicpanic, stay up until 4am daily and gogogo until it is done, and am always amazed by the results.

I guess I am writing this all out in the hope that by having it all out there in black and white it will motivate me somehow. Hey, anything is worth a shot at this point!

And to finish this midnight post...I constantly feel like my heart might burst with gratitude for the fact that I do not have brain tumours! And my babies are strong and healthy and my partner is here, and healthy and alive. Honestly, I do not want anything more out of this life than that.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

All clear :)

As the title suggests, there was indeed good news at the CT scan.
It was a harrowing day waiting to find out, and convincing myself the news would be bad.

I made so many promises that day.
I could barely focus on my work at all.
I sat in the bathrooms just praying over and over.
I handed over my fertility that day.

I promised to anyone who may have been listening, that if he/she/it/theuniverse could see to it that I did not have brain tumours, I would accept never having any more children.
Big call huh?
I never said I would stop trying, but now, if we are never successful, I understand why, and I am grateful.

As I said over and over that day...I love my life, and I want to continue to live it.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

eternal optimism

This afternoon I go for CT scans. Not looking forward to (a) the radiation and probability than my cancernoia will actually be the cause for me getting cancer from the number of scans I have (b) having to actually have the contrast dye injection which I have managed to avoid until now and (c) the wait after the scan to find out if I have massive brain tumours pressing on my optic nerves. Yeah I'm an optimist.

To tell you the truth I am terrified. More terrified than ever before. My eyes have become so bad in the last three days that I can hardly read the words I am typing (thank god for those touch typing classes in tenth grade). I have never been so convinced that there actually might be something drastically wrong. I may bitch and complain but I love my life and would like to continue living it for many many years.

So far today is not going all that well, so I am hoping all the shit will be out of the way before I head in. Just contacted the crappy clinic to talk to my doctor about doing a FET this cycle...only to be told "Well he's away until the 2nd of October, but I'll certainly pass him that message then" Are you fucking kidding me? I'd like to know why it skipped his mind to tell me this when I spoke to him just over a week ago. This means waiting at least another cycle and when you feel like you're running out of time...well one cycle means a lot.

The scared part of me now is thinking "Maybe this is why you miscarried. Maybe this is why you can't do the FET this cycle. Maybe it's because you will need urgent brain surgery."

See? Eternal optimist...

Monday, September 13, 2010

Uniforms, tattoos and weddings (totally unrelated topics)

I am having a dyslexic day. And it is annoying me.

This entry may be somewhat disjointed, also, but it's unavoidable as it is just how I feel right now.


I need to buy Rocket a new school shirt. The uniform shop was closed this morning (this also annoyed me). School photos are tomorrow morning. Looks like I will be lining up with the 300 other slack parents who wait until school photo day to buy their kids a uniform shirt that isn't spattered with paint/has holes cut in it from scissor experiments in first grade. Is it wrong that he is still wearing the shirts I bought him in reception (that's nearly four years ago!) I mean, they were big on him back then and a little small on him now...and have been spattered with paint for a good three of those nearly-four years...but that's ok, right?


I went to see my tattoo artist on Thursday. I made an appointment right before I got pregnant with Walnut and had to cancel (obviously) and didn't contact her again for nearly two months. She was concerned, hoped everything was ok* (no! it's all shit!) I said I was fine. I'm always fine.

That morning, I went to grab Star's sheets of hand and footprints (as she is tattooing his foot on me) and they weren't where they should have been.
I didn't panic, I just went to look in the other memory box. Not there either.
Here I began to frown.
Are they in his babybook? No.
Are they in the filing cabinet? No.
I call Lou "Have you seen them?" No.

I was running late by this point so I left without them. How could I have lost the only copies? More to the point, how could I be so stupid not to make more copies in case this exact thing ever happened! I had two and a half years!

On the upside, Lou discovered that we did have another set of hand and footprints. Not as clear with detail but a better outline, done by the hospital, given to us at the appointment for his autopsy results. I've never really looked much in that envelope. So all is not lost, and I will take in both the print, and his casts so that she can get the detail just right. My first appointment is next week for 2 of the 3 new tattoos I now have lined up for the next few weeks :)


I am starting to get anxious about all this wedding planning business. I have to say, just one more thing that the whole IVF rollercoaster/shitstorm has impacted is the plans for our wedding. See I refuse to get married while pregnant**. So we decided to plan for it to happen in early 2011, as I was "supposed" to get pregnant last December (I would be due this week. *sigh* That would mean I would have a nearly 1 month old baby at home *sigh*). That would have given me 5 months to at least try to get my figure back (ha!) in time to look glamorous for the big day.

Then I got pregnant in April. There was no way that we could get married early next year if I was going to be giving birth in late December.
Then that baby died.
Then I got pregnant in July.
Then that baby died too.

Now I am considering a natural FET my next cycle. If that works, I'd be due in late June. That means we couldn't get married until the end of next year. I wish I had known. I wish I had known that come January, I would have been able to get married. I wish I had followed through with my plans. I wish we weren't doing IVF so I could plan this thing without having to take this all into consideration.

I do feel like I am on a rapidly escalating timeline with this wedding. I'm not going to explain why as it will seem petty and insane to most of you, but it's very real to us! It bothers me that we won't be able to even think of getting married for over another year. And what if this FET goes the same old way? What if, come next year, we are still trying to get a baby that lives? It's just all too much. I feel like time is running away from me....

*I should note that she is an old friend of mine - we've been friends for over ten years so it's not odd for her to worry about me!
** this is not negotiable. I'd love to just say "Ah to hell with it, if I'm pregnant at the wedding that'd be fine" but it's really not ;)

Friday, September 10, 2010

The Aftermath - part three

For part one of Starbaby's lifestory click here

This has taken awhile to publish, and there is so much I have left out. I often wish I could go back to those first few weeks. I was allowed to be a complete mess and think of nothing outside of myself and my grief. It was horrific and glorious at the same time, and I felt the closest to him that I ever have.

The week after leaving the hospital was a blur. We slept and lived curled up together on a single mattress on our living room floor. Aside from going to the funeral home to make arrangements, we didn’t leave the house. We watched a lot of trashy tv. If something was funny, I laughed. When I was sad, I cried. The nights were the worst. I would howl and cry for hours until I passed out. I started blogging again the day I got home from the hospital and I spent many, many hours devouring other DBM stories and blogs.

He was buried on a very hot day. The night before we went and had Laurie do matching tattoos of his name on our feet. I was excited to see him again the day of the burial. I couldn’t wait to hold him again. But when I saw him, I knew I couldn’t. He had been gone too long and he was too fragile. He was smaller than I remembered. We buried him silently with his music playing. I thought I would say something, but I couldn’t find the words. We only had our immediate family there. Once again, I found myself oddly calm and in control of myself. I barely cried.

We held his memorial a few weeks later. I didn’t think many people would come. But it was standing room only. We had a little party for him, and handed out his birth announcements. I made a speech. I can barely read it even now. There were many tears shed that day.

We “celebrated” every month for nearly a year. My blog and my friends on forums kept me going. I had no idea that stillbirth were so common.

We received the autopsy reports six weeks later. All my fears, all my late night terrors were laid to rest that day. I was overwhelmed by the thought that there may have been something we could do to save him. But the results were what I had always expected, and what I had found myself hoping for. Our baby boy had full trisomy 18 with a double aneuploidy. He never would have survived. I felt immense relief knowing that his fate was decided at his very conception. There was never anything we could do to change the outcome. The only thing I wish I could change is that I wish I had known some things that I know now. I wish I had known I could call a photographer in to get lovely photos of him. We have so few, and they are not great. I wish I had thought to bring in his blanket, his things into the hospital.

My greatest regret is not something that I ever could have changed though. I wish that we had known. At the time, we were so relieved that we didn’t know that there was something wrong. But now I wish we had known. I wish we could have induced while he was alive. I wish I could have seen his little eyes open. I wish my family and friends could have met him, even once. That’s the only thing I really wish I could change.

Losing my boy is quite obviously the most traumatic thing that I have endured. But it is not a horrible thing to me. Do not feel sorry for me that it happened. He is still my child and this is his story. It is who he is and I wouldn’t change it.

Little one, little one
Where have you gone?
Your going has darkened
The brightest dawn
Why did you leave us
So soon, so soon?
Where can we look for you?
Over the moon?
On butterflies' wings
In the heart of a rose?
Who knows,
who knows
Where a little one goes?
Where I have gone,
I am not so small
My soul is as wide
As the world is tall.
Wherever you look,
You will find me there~
In the heart of a rose,
In the heart of a prayer.
On butterflies' wings,
On wings of my own,
To you, I'm gone,
But I'm never alone~
I'm over the moon.
I am home.

Friday, September 3, 2010

How do they do it?

Today my eldest has a pupil free day.
I should be taking this opportunity to get a LOT done, as he keeps the little tacker completely occupied. Instead I have spent the entire morning in bed, reading blogs and being generally lazy.

I have in my reader some amazing blogs of amazing mothers who seem to get everything achieved every day. They write about the 10 loads of laundry they did, the four course meal they whipped up with organic produce and truffle oil, their amazing outings with their kids, and the 400 craft projects they did while their perfect children coloured next to them.

They simultaneously inspire me to be better, make me jealous as all get out, and cause me to throw my hands in the air and exclaim "who does that?"

Let me give you a little insight into how my day generally goes:
6am - Rocket and Lou get up, have breakfast.
7am - Lou goes to work
7:30am - My alarm goes off. I snooze it.
7:45am - My alarm goes off. I snooze it.
8am - I start thinking "dammit I should really get up now". My alarm goes off. I snooze it.
8:15am - I roll out of bed and get dressed.
8:20am - I wake Manny up (he is so not a morning person...takes after me!) and get him dressed. Ok so in honesty sometimes on work days he goes to daycare in his jammies.
8:30am - I am yelling at Rocket that it's time to go get in the car we have to leave NOW!
8:45am - drop the big kid at school.

This is where it varies:

Work days - drive the 45 minutes to work, drop off Manny and proceed to be bored to tears for roughly 8 hours. Then pick up the Manny, drive home, collapse on the couch under a blanket and observe while Manny runs around shrieking and Rocket rolls around on the floor or wrestles the baby.

Home days - after dropping Rocket at school there is generally a mess of doctors appointments, dentist appointments, meetings with tradesmen and errands to be run. Little man is dragged from one point to another. When we get home he is exhausted and has a good long nap. I take this opportunity to try and get the house into some semblance of order - a task I never seem to complete.
Before I know it it's 2:30pm and I have to go and get Rocket from school. His best friend tends to come over a lot, and when he is here I get nothing done. My time is occupied by trying to keep Manny away from the big kids who, while they think he is cute, do not appreciate the way he manages to simultaneously get in their way and destroy whatever it is they are doing.
BFF goes home at about 5:30, (or on the days where Rocket is at his house, I go pick him up about 5:30, get caught up in conversation and don't leave till after 6)
Lou gets home at about 5:30ish and we have about 3 minutes to chat before it is time for dinner/baths/showers/bedtime routine/the adults collapsing in front of the heater watching tv/bed.

I just can't see at what point I could ever get anything else done? Perhaps I just need to try harder.

And perhaps on these days off I should be prepared with fun things to do and oh, yes, not lie in bed until 10:30! Ok time to get up now...

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

His little face - part two

Meet my tiny baby boy, destined to be a Star xxx

click here for part one of his lifestory
click here for part three of his lifestory

His Story - part one

On the evening of the 25th February 2008 I was almost 37 weeks pregnant. I was desperate for my baby to be born as I was feeling huge, it was the middle of summer and I just wanted him out. My first was born at 37 weeks and was a big baby (8lb 9oz). I just knew this one wasn’t as big, but I had hoped that I could somehow be induced early, the way I was with Rocket. I tried to convince the Dr at my last visit to at least re-scan me to see if he was big, like his brother, but in the back of my mind I kept flashing to the 18 and 20 wk ultrasounds where he measured small, really small. At the time I was desperately worried but all the doctors kept telling me it was nothing. I panicked over the fact that he had a choroid plexus cyst (CPC) a marker for Trisomy 18, but all the doctors reassured me, “your baby is fine!

That day at the appointment, the doctor listened to his heartbeat and said “your baby is PERFECTLY healthy, and HAPPY in there” and told me no induction, no ultrasound. Basically told me that I was an idiot. I was still worried. I had hoped using the reason of “I was induced with a big baby before” would prompt at least an ultrasound to reassure me that the baby was ok. I had a bad feeling. It was only a few days until my fears were confirmed in the most horrific way.

But back to the evening of 25th February.

I went to bed late (not unusual for me, especially when pregnant). I suddenly realised I hadn’t felt him move that day. I tried to think of when the last time I felt him move was. I couldn’t for the life of me remember him moving in days. This wasn’t that unusual, as I had an anterior placenta and was told that I wouldn’t feel his movements the way I did with my first baby. Now I know the real reason.

I lay in bed for an hour poking, prodding, begging him to move. I could push him from one side of my belly to the other. I could feel his weight shift easily without a single movement. I felt sick. But I decided not to go into the hospital again, as I would have to take the whole family in there in the middle of the night, and I had already done that once this pregnancy, and spent the whole night in there for no reason. As soon as they put the trace on there he bounced around madly. So I stayed in bed, convinced myself he was ok, even though I really knew he wasn’t.

Somehow I slept.

In the morning I headed into the hospital. I didn’t tell Lou any of my concerns as she was up at 5am for work and I was still asleep. I dropped Rocket at school and drove into the hospital for what I thought would be a quick check.

They took me back straight away.

What happened next was the stuff of nightmares. The midwife tried and tried to find a heartbeat with the Doppler. She got a senior midwife to try. I watched the clock on the wall as minutes passed without them finding a heartbeat. I tried to be calm but I started to panic.

2 minutes in and I was scared. 5 minutes in and I know my own heart rate went up. 10 minutes passed and I knew something was drastically wrong. They called a doctor down to perform an ultrasound.

He started scanning and was talking as he did it. “There is your baby’s head. There is a lot of amniotic fluid here” I was thinking “Oh thank goodness he must be ok. Why else would he be talking about these other things?”

Then the words that will always haunt me. He looked me in the eyes and said “I’m sorry, it does appear your baby’s heart has stopped”.

I panic just writing out those words. At the time, I think my heart stopped too. I screamed, I hyperventilated, I lost complete focus on reality. The nurses were telling me to listen to the doctor…LISTEN TO THE DOCTOR. I could see no point in listening to the doctor, my baby was dead. My baby was DEAD.

I jumped out of the bed and screamed “I have to call my partner, I have to call my LOU”. Of course my phone had no reception. They led me out to a phone in the reception area and I called her sobbing. All I could say was “they can’t find a heartbeat”. She could barely understand me. I now know she ran out to her boss in a panic and he drove her to the hospital himself, the only sounds in the car both of them swearing every time they hit a red light or a car in front went too slow. When she went back to work, every time the phone rang in the factory for months she would almost hyperventilate with fear of another terrible call from me.

By the time she got there I had already been upstairs for a full ultrasound, which I kept my arm over my face for. I did not want to see him there on the screen, lying still, not moving. It was all too much for me to bear.

I don’t remember getting back to the assessment rooms but somehow we did. We sat there in shock. I started apologising over and over and saying “how does this happen? How does this happen? I don’t understand…How does a heart just stop?”

I started crying for the first time. I wailed and sobbed while she held me and cried her quiet tears.

The doctor came back in and told us that he was very small. He guessed about 4.5lb but he was far smaller at only 3lb 7oz. There were a full range of problems showing including pleural effusions, malformed kidneys etc. There was a whole discussion on “why didn’t we see this coming”. We agreed to an autopsy. I wanted a c-section. No way did I want to go through labour and birth for a baby who was already gone. The doctor firmly told me no, that would just make things harder. I thought he was mental but I agreed to the induction. We had to choose whether to be admitted right away, or come back later to be induced. I chose to go home and have a few hours, then come back that night.

We walked out in shock. It was my mother’s birthday. I was supposed to meet her in an hour for lunch. Making that call was hard, but I steeled my emotions and called to say the baby had died and I wouldn’t make it to her lunch. We had a very strained relationship at that point because she reacted very badly to news of the pregnancy and had shown no interest in him. I think this still haunts her.

We lay around for a while in shock. Crying, asking why. We decided it was for the best that we didn’t know about all his problems sooner. We never had to make any tough decisions and he passed away (we hope) peacefully, in the warmest, safest place possible. He was never alone for a second. We were strangely calm and rational in between the fits of sobbing.


Arriving at the hospital was surreal. Everyone else there was getting ready to meet their baby and start their lives together. We wanted to scream at every person that passed us “Our baby died! Our baby DIED” but we sat there quietly and waited to be called up. They put us in a special room at the end of the labour ward, as far as possible from the happy families. Our lovely midwife came in and apologised in advance if we had to hear any new babies cry.

Everything that night sort of blurs together now. There are a lot of random details I remember that aren’t that pertinent now. I remember one of the doctors coming in to talk about doing an amnio (they decided not to, to wait for the autopsy). I remember he was so emotional, his voice broke and he had tears in his eyes. We were stoic and unemotional whenever someone was in the room, sobbing hysterically when we were alone.

The IV saga started (as it always does) with two nurses, an anaesthetist and then the head of anaesthetics “having a go” at it.

Our midwife brought us some literature about stillbirth. I tried to read some but quickly became hysterical. I put them aside. I never really cried when our midwife was in the room, she kept saying we were so brave. I didn’t see it as brave, we knew we had to get through it, and becoming a mess wouldn’t help anything. I became a master at controlling my emotions (ha! As if)

I barely slept. Lou never has any trouble sleeping. In the morning we stared out the window. What else was there to do? We saw two friends running in the park across the road. Lou commented that our friends are always close by, even when they don’t realise it.

I had a patient controlled anaesthesia where I could self administer painkillers every few minutes. I had contractions every three minutes but they were easily bearable. At around 2pm they started increasing in intensity. I asked for more painkillers, then changed my mind and asked for an epidural.

From there it all went like lightning. I was in so much pain that I was begging for relief, but there was no time for anything. They were yelling for an anaesthetist to at least give me a shot of something. Finally he did, and less than a minute later my tiny boy was born. My established labour was a grand total of eleven minutes. And yes I am proud that this is recorded in my patient notes.

I was so afraid after he was born, of what he would look like. They had prepared us for the worst, and I asked anxiously “Does he look okay?” Our dear midwife Olivia said happily “oh he’s perfect”. And he was.

I got to see him and hold him straight away and he took my breath away. I couldn’t understand how he could be dead, as he just looked so…alive. He just looked like he was sleeping. He didn't have a single mark on him, they think he must have only just passed away when I came in. I believe it was around 2am the night before, when I first was struck with the though "what if he has died?" Olivia wrapped him up and took him to bathe him and weigh him while Lou watched. He was a grand 3lb 7 oz at 37 weeks.

We loved holding him. Olivia commented “You two are like different people when this little boy is in the room” and it was true. He lit up our lives that day. We had him the whole day, I don’t really remember what we did, or what we said. We just WERE. We talked and laughed and everything was ok right in that moment because he was there with us. Olivia took him overnight. In the morning I asked for him back. She had washed his blanket and his gown overnight and he smelled lovely.

We had him baptised and blessed by the Catholic Father in the hospital. He asked all the angels to watch over him and his mothers. We left late that day, going home to our empty house alone, and empty handed.

For Part Two click here.
For Part Three click here.

Friday, August 27, 2010

money money money, must be funny, in a rich man's world

I think I am getting better.
I'm Tonka Tuff.
When I put Manny down for a nap just now, instead of crawling into bed, I am sitting upstairs. This is progress, I've been lazy for months now feeling sorry for myself.

I had a big freak out the other day about money (seems to happen after every failure, where I look at the tens of thousands of dollars we have poured into this process). It's amazing, ALL out friends earn SO much more than us. I didn't realise until we had a conversation about it with some of them a few months ago. How did that happen? I thought we were pretty average, but then all our friends (who all have different jobs) all seem to be earning DOUBLE what we are. Huh?

This makes me do two things:
1) think "what the freaking heck are they wasting all their money on?" I think we live really nicely, but I guess we are very frugal.
2) start thinking "damn it we need new jobs! I need to work full time!"

Of course after my freak out and jealousy fit, I settled down and remembered that I chose to not have the lucrative career, I chose not to work full time in order to run my home. Do I wish Lou earnt more? Of course I do. Mostly because she should be earning more, her work is underpaying her. But she loves her job, and the industry is suffering a bit at the moment so she doesn't want to rock the boat by saying "Oi! Gimme money" ;)

We don't need much. I enjoy thrift shopping and saving money. I don't believe my children need new toys every month. We have everything we need and then some. Well, we are also in a lot of debt right now but once the house sells we will be debt free (aside from our current mortgage)

Its a lot like fertility. I am okay with waiting. I am okay that I am not pregnant right now (no, actually I am. I believe in a higher power having a plan for me and if this is the plan, then I accept it). But if I look at other people who are pregnant, other people who don't have trouble conceiving and never miscarry or lose babies, then I become deadly jealous and want it NOW.

I am fine with us not having much money. We get by and have a lovely life. But when I look at people I know who have so much more money coming in, I get jealous and think of everything I could do and achieve if I had that kind of money! And then I want MORE!

So my lesson learnt today is: be happy with what you have. And for heaven's sake...stop comparing your life to others! Because really, my life is pretty amazing. My partner is everything I ever asked for and then some, and my kids are priceless. We have a lovely (unrenovated, but still) house full of lovely things. I have so much to be thankful for.

This is what gets me through grief, and envy, and all those nasty emotions that come with it.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Break In

Once again I had a lovely entry planned all about our new investment property and how excited I am that we are discovering things like beautiful timber floors under the disgusting I think it'll come up so nicely and be a great investment.....

then on my way into work this morning I get a phone call "Hi it's Constable *** from the **** police station is this Suzy ***?"
Me (frantically thinking what I did to break the law recently) "Uh yes?"
Him "Are you the current owner of ** *** Rd, ***?"
Me (sinking feeling) "Yes"
Him "There's been a break-in overnight".

Oh FFS. Apparently some asshole broke in (or tried to break in, we aren't certain yet) through a front window. Apparently there is also a "significant amount of blood" all over the front porch.


So some little fucker clearly saw us working there all day yesterday and thought there might be something of value there (powertools maybe??). They can't tell if anything was taken from inside because apparently all the doors are still locked.

Well sucks to be you, little would-be-thief. My wife is paranoid and left nothing there except some cheap painting equipment. I hope you feel really stupid right now.

(I also really hope you are not currently bleeding to death all over my nice timber floors).

Friday, August 13, 2010

What do I hope for?

So I was goin to come on and post about the GOOD things in my life right now (for there are many, not the least of which is we sold our second renovation property in just THREE DAYS!!!! Yay!!!) But my life being the rollercoaster it is, will not allow me to come on and have a happy post.

There is something seriously hinky going on with my vision.

I am severely myopic and progressive myopic. My current prescription is around -9.5 with astigmatism in both eyes. So my sight is pretty damn bad. I've been wearing contact lenses for about 13 years.

Just a few weeks ago, my left eye started going blurry every now and then. I thought my lens was moving around, but it just kept happening, which was unusual. One night when it went blurry again, I took out my lenses and put my glasses on. The left eye was still blurry. Perplexed, I took my glasses off. And got the shock of my life when I could SEE THE TV with my left eye, with no glasses. (For those of you lucky people with 20/20 vision, a person with -9.5 is almost blind, I cannot see my own hand in front of me with no glasses.)

Needless to say, I was shocked. I went into my optometrist, but of course my vision was back to normal when he saw me. He'd never heard of anything like it happening before, so he sent me to an eye surgeon/physician. The eye surgeon also said he'd never heard of it happening, but perhaps it was diabetes. He wants me to have blood tests.

I went back to my optician today. My left eye is almost permanently "off". His only other theory is brain tumor pressing on the optic nerve. He did the field vision tests, they were all clear and normal (90% of the time, this will show if there is a brain tumour.)

Now he wants me to go to a neuro-opthamologist, and I assume I will need another CT scan.

This clearly is problematic as if this pregnancy is by some miracle actually viable, I will have to put it at risk by having CT scans. On that note, I had another blood test this morning, and will soon know whether I need to even worry about the effects of CT scans.

I don't know what to hope for - a good result (yay! pregnant) will mean serious concern and putting it at risk by having scans. A bad result (boo, another miscarriage) means I can have as many scans, tests, treatment that I need.

What do I hope for?

Saturday, July 24, 2010


My Sweet Boy
Manny's latest obsession is finding Starbaby's photo album, and flicking through it. He exclaims every time he sees his face, and then kisses it loudly. We are teaching him to say Star's name and he has shortened it to the cutest nickname and he just says his name over and over and kisses his face in the photos. It warms my heart so much but breaks it at the same time.

I often have tears rolling down my face as he caresses the photos and kisses them. I never thought I could feel such deep emotions from a simple act of a 1 year old, but there you go. He never ceases to amaze me.

Monday, July 19, 2010

The time is now.

have been trying to write an entry for days but can't seem to.
last week a friend of ours died of a heart attack, aged only 45.
he left behind two children, friends of my son, aged only 7 and 11.

Things like that really make you re-evaluate your life and look at what is really important. Nobody ever looks back on their life and says "gee I wish I spent more time at the office". Money means nothing when you are dead.

So the only words I have today are these:

If there is something you have wanted to do, but have been putting it off for "the right time", that time is now. Take a risk, jump in headfirst. Because you never know what tomorrow holds.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Why Suzy is in too much debt. And isn't blogging.

Argh I feel like I don't have time for any of the things that I enjoy at the moment! Blogging has taken a very definite backseat for now.

Did you know that Go.og.le stops counting at 1000+ new posts?
I logged in and felt like it was mocking me. "You have ... you know what, you have too many damn posts to read. You are never going to catch up. So I am not even going to bother counting them. Let's just say you have TOO MANY NEW POSTS"

I'm at a crossroads at the moment, trying to balance work/life/kids/play/me time (HA!) and trying to work out how to fit everything in. I was almost at the point of leaving my job (I lay in bed this morning composing my letter of resignation actually!) but I just don't think I can give up the steady income right now.

It probably doesn't help our financial situation that I went and bought another house on Saturday! I could NOT resist it was in a great little spot and it is a little 2 bedroom cottage, last decorated circa 1950 and it is CUTE! I just love it. Plan on doing a few small improvements then renting it out (hopefully to friends who are looking in the area).

Unfortunately though, that, coupled with paying for another round of IVF, means that pretty much every cent we made off the sale of our last property, is GONE :(

We had planned on using that money to pay off a large portion of our debts...but instead it's all gone *POOF* within days of receiving it! Unfortunately too, because our car was written off, we still have to buy a car. My in-laws have lent us the money to do so, but it means that we do actually have to pay it off by the end of the year.

With all the debts we have, even with the great profit we are likely to make on our second renovation house which is about to hit the market...we are only going to have about half what I expected to put towards the renovations on our CURRENT house!

Boo hoo woe is me. Anyone who thinks they can make an easy million off property is dreaming. I actually thought we would be further ahead by now. But we are getting there. It's just taking WAAAY longer than I expected....

But I am blessed. We were lucky enough to have parents who loaned us all the money for our first house and we've built it from there. We are fortunate to be in the situation we are in, but we have worked very, very hard and done without a lot to be in this position. I can't wait to see how it all plays out - my friends joke and call me a mini mogul..that would be nice, to have an empire, wouldn't it? We'll see...

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Limbo is only acceptable if you are on a cruise ship

Ugh limbo land.

So, I got my new contract yesterday, including my "pay rise". It was insulting to say the least. They have introduced a lovely little restraint of trade inclusion (sneaky snacks) which I will NOT be signing off on, and the "pay rise" that I was teased with is INSULTING. I sat back quietly for FOUR YEARS not asking for anything, and accepting when I was told our wages would freeze. They offered 4% increase PLUS I can no longer be paid for overtime as our average overtime was included in my payrise. Are you kidding me here? So I am expected to work longer hours for approximately $14 a week after tax. Oh and that includes my "pay rise".

I went in and very quietly and politely exploded all over them. They are now reviewing it and I have to wait two weeks to find out what they are going to do about it. Dammit.

I was all fired up last night - to go in this morning and ask for them to stop insulting me, and if they said "no, that's what you are getting" I was handing in my resignation there and then.

But now I have to wait in limbo for two weeks. Shittiest two week wait ever. Why does my life revolve around two week increments? HONESTLY. Cut me a break here.

I was actually getting excited, Lou and I talked about it last night and we could survive with me not working. I would be working from home and doing the odd jobs I used to do when I was at uni. I was excited...thinking of my life as a SAHM full time.

The worst part is that I was just waiting to get my contract, because as soon as I got it I was going to drop down to two days a week, because my household and family are suffering with me working 3 days a week. But I can't even do that now as I have to stick at it while they review me. And if, by some miracle, they do give me a higher wage increase...then how do I turn around and drop my hours after fighting them to treat me like a loyal employee? Oh the dilemma.

So I'm in limbo land yet and the two week wait again, and we aren't even ttc at the moment!


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