Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

Hello again,
You may notice some changes going on around here in the days and weeks to come. I have wanted to change the direction this blog was going for quite a while, but as anyone who has gone through infertility treatments will attest - it tends to somewhat dominate your life!

This was supposed to be a family blog, and a place to help motivate me to become a better housewife. Then the IVF crazies took hold and everything else sort of faded into the background while my brain screamed "BABYBABYBABYBABY" on repeat for a year and a half. I am hoping, with all I have in me, that that particular insanity is over for us, at least for now.

To celebrate this, I have moved the majority of the entries dealing with IVF over to a new blog, Suzy Does IVF. I'm hoping that I can write the closing chapter of that blog in a week and a half after our Nuchal Screening, and hibernate that part of my life, (at least for a year or so!)

This blog will (hopefully) now be able to turn back to what I had originally envisioned. I have a very talented friend working on a new blog design (yay!) and I look forward to filling this space with all kinds of goodies in the months to come.

I feel like I have really let myself down by failing to mention my crazy kids who actually walk this earth with me, focussing so hard on documenting all my little lost loves. I have a hysterically funny, emotional and intelligent 2 year old and an extremely challenging 9 year old, who amazingly have escaped almost completely from being immortalised in this Mama's blog. For shame.

I am still terrified every day that something will go wrong here. That just because we are past the point that *I* miscarry, does not mean I am home free. The possibility of stillbirth is never far from my mind. Nor is the fact that we have gambled with my genetics again, and we may face another terminal diagnosis. I am choosing to hope at this point.

For those of you following along at home:

Hurdle #1 - BFP (10dpo extremely faint - 12dpo strong line)
Hurdle #2 - Beta (16dpo - Beta HCG 330)
Hurdle #3 - Ultrasound (6+2 weeks) - measured 5w5d
Hurdle #4 - Usual miscarriage point (7 weeks) - passed!
First Appointment (8 weeks) - u/s with hb and CRL of 7+6
Hurdle #5 - Nuchal screening to check if baby has trisomies (12 weeks) - 2nd August
Hurdle #6 - Anomaly scan - check for trisomy markers (18 weeks)
Hurdle #7 - Viability! (24 weeks)
Hurdle #8 - Make it to 36 weeks without losing my mind/the baby.

on feeling mediocre

I feel lost, and in a rut. The weekend saw another of my birthdays come and go, and all I can feel is that yet another year has passed me by with no change, just with me going through the motions.

I haven't achieved anything, haven't changed any of the things I wanted to over the last year. I still have no passion, no drive, no real focus. Every day is the same. Work, home, chores, tv, bed.

It's just. so. normal. It's so mundane. I need something bright, something interesting to focus on. I tried the photography thing. But my poor little ego is too fragile and I take things too personally. And I am moderately obsessive. And a total perfectionist. No photo is ever right, ever the way it's 'supposed to be'. So I spend hours obsessing over every edit. Then days obsessing when I finally send out the photos - when the person doesn't contact me straight away all I can think is "they hate them! They're disappointed and they think I'm crap. I am crap. I should never do this again".

So the photography thing didn't really work out....

I have to keep telling myself that the fact that just about everyone in the blogosphere is writing a book, or starting a business, or making a fortune off their blogs - does not mean that I have to. Plenty of people lead perfectly monotonous lives and are perfectly content with them.

Why aren't I?



I haven't been focussing on anything in particular lately. I haven't been working on our renovations, I haven't had any sort of project on the go. I think that contributes to my general feeling of melancholy and rut-ness. I get this way periodically. I think also that spending so long actively trying to conceive has taken its toll. We have quite literally spent the better part of a year and a half undergoing fertility treatments one after the other after the other, pausing only each time I conceived, and starting again straight after each miscarriage. The only time we truly paused was when we went on our spur of the moment trip across the planet. And now, here I sit, possibly hopefully done with them for at least (please god) a year or so - and it feels like we have dedicated so much to the process, forgetting everything else.

It feels like waking up from a very long, tedious, boring nightmare to be honest with you.

Reflections and Good News

Look at me posting twice in one day.

That last entry was hard for me to write and I had to hit publish straight away before I lost my nerve and deleted the whole thing. But the fact is I have memory problems and the more I have written down the better, for me to go back and look at.

After calming down and talking to Mim about everything, I can see things more clearly. My meltdown's over his behaviour come generally because of silly little things - tonight it was because we were told that he was making kids cry at after school care because he was playing handball and basically being a little Franco (dictator) about "his" rules because it was his ball and he was being over the top bossy. And when one of the carers confronted him about it apparently he lost his shit and started yelling at her, which I will. not. tolerate. I raised him better than that, to have more respect than that.

But after some quiet reflection tonight, I know three things.
(1) I have a tendency to over react
(2) I was a bossy ass kid too who had few friends until I grew up a bit in high school
(3) He is not a "bad" kid, and I need to remember it could be worse and this too shall pass.

He actually reminds me of a mixture of me as a child and my childhood best friend. My best friend was universally disliked by all the teachers for being a smartass and disruptive, but he has turned out ok in the most part. I was quiet and teachers loved me but other kids, not so much, because I was so bossy.

I have decided to take a step back and not go mental every time he does something. He is an 8 year old boy after all. I need to just focus on loving him and helping him where I can, and letting go and letting God in other respects. He is on a limited diet to help control his behaviour, and I think its time to take him to the naturopath to see if theres something more we can do.

He is a lovely big brother and generally a good boy and I love him. I just hope he outgrows this stage! I just need to keep repeating my mantra - I love my family, I can do this! Look at them, they are worth it!

On a happy baby note - I have a scan on Thursday to check that everything's where it should be and whatnot. Three more sleeps...I am bloated as all get out and definitely feeling pregnant so fingers crossed it's all good news.

Speaking of good news - I am celebrating twice as hard for my very good friend who has just got her BFP after almost 3 years of trying! Now if my other bestie would get her BFP (due to test next week) it will be like winning a trifecta - I can't imagine anything better than going through it all with two of my most special friends - 3 IVF BFPs can you imagine anything better?

Extended Leave of Absence

If it's true what they say...that absence makes the heart grow fonder...then y'all should be pretty darn fond of me by now!

In all seriousness...it's been a rough few weeks. I am trying to break myself out of the funk I find myself in...but it's not proving as easy as it once was. I am dwelling on things that cannot be changed and just generally feeling sorry for myself. Pity Party for One, right here.

But I can't carry on like this much longer! I have written and discarded dozens of entries over the past few weeks because they were all the same whiny bollocks that no-one wants to read (I didn't even want to write them and often stopped halfway through and walked away)

I am working on finding my Happy again. I miss my Happy.

I can't change the fact that I have to work at the moment. So I should just deal with it and try to find better ways of coping with life while working. Easier said than done...

But onwards and upwards, as they say! Let's be honest, it's all up from where I am right now.

Stay tuned for a non whiny/boo hoo/woe is me post soon...

Friday. The new Monday.

I was having such a bad day today. I used to look forward to Fridays all week but lately they are just the worst day of the week for me! Every Friday for the past few months at least three things have gone wrong. Today it was having an agent tell me that our investment property is worth far less than we thought. She was also shocked at the rent we were receiving and did not expect that they could match it if we wanted to hang onto it instead of selling.

Then some work we were having done on our development property has turned out to look AWFUL, and we have committed to paying $5,000 for it - and I hate it! Also the guy didnt even turn up today, which means that it sets us back and we cant spend the weekend doing what we were going to do, and it sets everything back by a week! I had a good ol' freak out and rang my love swearing like a sailor about "those fucking asshats doing it all wrong and not turning up".

But then something good happened (more later), and here I sit in my nice house watching my monster baby play with grated cheese and cucumber in his highchair, and I am forced to count my blessings. I have a wonderful life. Sometimes you really need to sit back and appreciate what you have. And I have a lot to appreciate.

Grave Imagery

I went out to the cemetary today.

We are creeping ever closer to my little guy's second anniversary of his birth and death, and it's affecting me a lot more than his first. It could be because I was still pregnant with the Monster Baby on his first birthday/deathday so I didn't allow myself to think about it too much.

This year I was planning big things. But a few hurdles along the way and I threw in my plans. Too stressful. I want to just focus on him this year. Privately grieve on my own and get through it. Maybe next year we can do something big in his honour.

But anyway...the cemetary.
We are finally arranging his plaque/gravestone for his second birthday. It has been so hard because what do you say? What do you write on the stone? How do you sum up the hopes and dreams of a full life? How do you put into words the utter desolation of losing a baby before you know them?

We still dont have the words yet but it needs to be done. His temporary marker has finally been removed so he has nothing there now. I went into the office to pick out the image for the stone. Looking through the book for something appropriate.

We aren't Christian so 99% of the religious symbology isn't appropriate.

We never knew him so we don't know if he liked trains, or boats, or dogs, or cats.

We don't know if he would have liked fishing or surfing like his dad.

We don't know if he would have been sporty (like his mum) or academic (like his mama).

It didn't leave much.

But as in all things, humour. Would you believe that one of the options is a marijuana leaf? No seriously! Who looks through that book and says "Well he did like the weed, let's put that on his gravestone" Or perhaps "well he was high when he crashed into that tree...seems appropriate". I mean really...It did give me a much needed giggle though...