Friday, October 29, 2010

breaking point

Like a fever, my depression broke at about 8:30pm last night. I reached my breaking point, I yelled in the middle of the shopping centre, and I got better.

Manny rewarded me by keeping me up all night. Thanks little dude.
He is being awfully cute today though, driving his wooden trains up and down my arms making "woo woo" noises so all is forgiven.

I just felt the most overwhelming sadness yesterday. It all came to a head when I felt I had to cancel my tattoo appointment, and my artist, my friend, got pretty upset about it (she's had a lot of cancellations lately and is really struggling financially). I burst into tears and cried fairly uncontrollably for most of the day. We were each the straw that broke each others back.

Grief is an unpredictable beast. My mental health is fragile on a good day, and two years out from the death of my boy, I'm still not having as many good days as I'd like. I've felt it building for a long while. A long while. I do feel like it peaked last night, and I'm hoping I'm on my way out of it now.

Thank you for continuing to come here and give me love when I need it - I'm going to try to make it back to everyone's blogs and pass on the love :)

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

see beauty

see beauty/see beauty/see beauty

All I can do is chant to myself that I need to keep trying to see the beauty in the world because sometimes I fear the sadness will overwhelm and envelop me and I may never see the light again.

see beauty.

see beauty.

see beauty.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Wave of Light

My candles lit for the Wave of Light across the world for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. One for my miscarried babies, one for my Starbaby, and a multi petalled one to represent all the very loved and wanted babies of friends, my baby's special playmates in the stars.

We remember them every day, and love them every minute.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

to derby, or not to derby...

I just don't know what to do about derby this year. Training starts NEXT WEEK. I'm registered, but I don't know whether I should even go along. What happens if I get (and stay) pregnant? I won't be able to train or play and I'd be taking a place away from someone else who might really really want to be there.

But what if I DONT get pregnant, or what if I do and miscarry again? I would really need the outlet to be able to fight and skate out some of my anger and bitterness.

Plus its kind of flattering that two of the top players in our city's top league keep asking whether I will go for fresh meat with their league.

Oh it's a derby dilemma. Dammit.

Monday, October 4, 2010


Hello dahlings, it's been awhile. Would you believe that we finally made it away for a weekend? I have been dying for a break for months now, and my darling girl delivered, taking a day off work so we could go away for 3 days :) I have loads of lovely photos to share of the beach and the fishing fun that was had, but I am so tired and haven't uploaded them all yet, I'll save that for tomorrow.

*sidenote* eww I just squashed a gigantic blowfly...with my notebook. Ew. Didn't think that one through...may have to throw it away now...*

Been feeling a little nostalgic today, reading my old blogs that I just discovered - I thought they were lost in time and the internets (way back in 2002 - I was still a teenager, how bizarre). One of my favourite lines in there had to be "I'll tell you all about how my future nearly got flushed down the dunny like a dead goldfish today". Ah, good times :)

I don't have terribly much to say today. Am in a bit of a rough baby spot at the moment, feeling my grief more than usual. I think I'm going to leave this short and pointless entry here, I'm feeling a little sad and need to go watch some really crappy late night tv and have a cry.

Stillbirth, the gift that keeps on giving, and giving, and fucking giving.


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