My Wish for You

To those of you who read along with me throughout the last year, for those of you who held me up in moments of grief, and celebrated with me in moments of joy, I thank you.

I do not believe that those who do not blog, can truly comprehend how amazing it can be, how miraculous that your words can reach someone halfway across the world, and that someone halfway across the world can reach you, and touch your heart.

In 2010 I was gifted so many things. I had my Hercules-Baby for 7 weeks, and my Walnut/s for another 7. Seven is my Lou's favourite number of all time. I was gifted friendship, and comraderie with women I have never met, and possibly never will meet.

I began this new blog, and shook off the shackles of grief that tied me to my last blog. I tried, and failed, to do things, but I shook myself off and went back for more.

You helped me through all of that.

And for that, I thank you.

And I pray that your 2011 beats the pants off your 2010 (even if it was a fantastic year for you).

I wish it only gets better from here for you.

I wish you happiness.

I wish you love.

and I wish you peace.

2010 Retrospective

1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?
Miscarried. Ha. Ha. Ha. No really. That's the first thing that comes to mind.

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I actually didn't make any last year. I probably resolved to be a better parent. Not yell as much. If that is the case: Epic FAIL. I do have a whole list for this year though...we'll see how they go. Ask me in a year.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Unfortunately, yes.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

My two (three?) babies. A dear friend from Gaelic.

5. What countries did you visit?
None. Again. Sick of being stuck on this sunburnt island!

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?

Der. A living baby.

7. What date from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
1 June 2010. The day I miscarried our Hercules. Also the day after the SIL had a baby and broke our hearts by using our dead son's name against our wishes.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Not punching said SIL.

9. What was your biggest failure?
A December photoshoot. Nearly gave myself a nervous breakdown over it. Also the whole not yelling thing. The wanting to be a better mother thing. Yeah that.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Illness? Yeah a few small things. Injury - only my heart.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
4 IVF cycles? Har har. Probably our new car :)

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My amazing partner who not only puts up with me but loves me for my flaws and insecurities, and insane moments. Who grounds me and comforts me.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Need I say it again? SIL.

14. Where did most of your money go?

I-V-Freaking-F.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Being pregnant. Bah humbug do you see a pattern?

16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2010?
You've Got the Love

I know it's not from this year, but it's a song that has stuck with me this year. Every time I hear it I cry. And I'm not sure if I ever told her, but this song makes me think of my soul sister. I'll have to explain it to her one day....

ALSO...absolutely this one:

Because there are a LOT of assholes, scumbags and douchebags in our lives ;)

and of course on the same vein:

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. Happier or sadder?
Hmm hard to say. Towards the end of the year most definitely 100% sadder. But on a whole...about the same.

iii. Thinner or fatter?

Thinner actually. I should have been about to give birth/just have given birth so I should be fatter. Meh. Again with my standard theme ;)

v. Richer or poorer?

Definitely poorer. Although we did sell 2 of our houses...so we have far less debt now. If you excluded the $25k+ that we spent on IVF I guess we could be considered richer...

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Hmm. Enjoying my children.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Work. Too much work, not enough play!

20. How will you be spending Christmas?

We spent it at home, and planned on putting our foot down and refusing to leave the house for anything. Ended up driving out to the inlaws for dinner anyway! BUT it was on our terms and no timelines, no-one getting pissed off that we were late (which is what happened last year...it was SHIT)

21. How many one-night stands?

Err...none

22. What was your favorite TV program

Definitely "Spirited". Loved it! If you're in Australia and have cable - shame on you if you didn't watch it (on W). Get hold of it if you can it's fantastic :)

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Hate is SUCH a strong word. I dont think I could ever HATE anyone. But take a very tiny step down from hate and yes. Absolutely I do. I think you can all fill in the blanks.

24. What was the best book you read?

Hmm. Thats a hard one.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

The Rockabye Baby CDs at our library. Lullaby rendition of Nirvana, TOOL, Bob Marley, Pink Floyd...omg love it.

26. What did you want and get?
My health. NO BRAIN TUMOURS!!!!

27. What was your favorite film of this year?
Tomorrow When the War Began. Not as good as the books for sure, but still a good film.

28. What did you do on your birthday?
Dinner out with my mum, MIL, nanny, partner and kids.

29. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
Hahahaha. Concept?
Recycle-chic? A little bit vintage, a little bit retro, and a little bit whatever I could find at the recycled clothing store :)

30. What kept you sane?

My Lou. Every single day she saves me from myself. Every. Single. Day.

31. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Pfft none of them.

32. What political issue stirred you the most?
The election. The stabbing in the back of our Prime Minister and gaining our first female PM through the worst means possible. For Shame Julia.
Also all the constant debate over Marriage Equality. Sending out a big f*** you to the politicians who still maintain the public doesn't want marriage rights even after inquest after inquest show we do.

33. Who did you miss?

My baby. My boy. Every single fucking day.

34. Who was the best new person you met?

Did I meet anyone this year?

35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010: Yikes. I have to be deep now? I suppose not letting what other people do with their own lives affect me. I can choose how badly it affects me and decide not to let myself fall apart because of it.

Five Years

Friday the 17th December 2010 marked five wonderful, long, devastating, superb, happy, sad, amazing years with my would-be-wife.

It amazes me that it has only been five years as I believe we have endured more sadness and felt more joy than I think some couple would in twenty years.

I planned a surprise night away here:

and was hoping like mad that she wasn't planning a night out or a dinner secretly as well. I tried all week to find out if she had planned anything...turns out I needn't have worried, she completely forgot! I asked her to call past my mum's work to pick something up for me, and when she saw me there she was so confused. I didn't tell her anything, just said "surprise!"
Put the baby seat in mum's car and packed her off with the kids and Lou was even more confused (mum was in on the plan). Got back in the car and she could NOT figure out what was going on...until we walked into the hotel! "What's this about?" she asked, and I pointed to the "Happy Anniversary" card I had put on the table.

"OH!" she says "I remembered last week then I forgot again!"

We had a remedial massage in room which was sorely needed (we both have the bones/joints of an 80 year old - her from football, me from breaking horses) and lay around eating and watching movies. Slept in uninterrupted. It was heavenly. Then we went home to the screaming mess that is our house (and children). Decided we should do that at least every 3 months :)

And am I upset that she forgot? Absolutely not! It's awesome for two reasons: (1) I wanted it to be a surprise, and it really was and (2) I can hold it over her for the NEXT five years that she forgot our anniversary :)

Absence.

You may have noticed I've been absent. Then again, maybe you haven't. Well here's your update: I've been absent. Not only absent from my blog, but I feel like I've been sort of absent from my life.

Things keep moving on around me, and I feel like I am standing still.

Everyone around me is pregnant (or so it feels. I am up to 8 pregnant friends now). If they aren't pregnant, they are trying. And here we sit, out of options. No more trying for us. Some days I can hardly bear it.

It feels like this immense failure has brought back some of the deep rooted sadness that losing my boy gifted me. I feel like I have been living with it lying dormant, just under my skin, and this current state of failure has brought it back out. Like a blanket it settles over me and I can't shake it off. I am close to tears most moments of most days. I feel like I am only now realising that I also lost two (three?) babies this year as well. I didn't let myself feel it before now because I was still moving. I was going forward, I was thinking "Right. Next step! Let's get going, time's a-wasting". But now there is no moving forward. There is no next step.

And I am a little over a week from the date I should have been giving birth to my first little lost one of 2010. A week. I would have had a baby by Christmas. It barely seems possible.

braincakes :)

Tally so far = Nic 2, Brain Tumour 0

Thank you for the prayers, I believe in the power of prayer, and she is doing so well!

So I share with you today - how to make your friend cupcakes after her second brain surgery in a week.

STEP ONE: Bake pink cupcakes



STEP TWO: Make pink italian meringue frosting


STEP THREE: Pipe frosting onto cupcakes like so:


STEP FOUR: Voila! Brain cupcakes! Braaaaaaainnnnsssssss.