Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Absence.

You may have noticed I've been absent. Then again, maybe you haven't. Well here's your update: I've been absent. Not only absent from my blog, but I feel like I've been sort of absent from my life.

Things keep moving on around me, and I feel like I am standing still.

Everyone around me is pregnant (or so it feels. I am up to 8 pregnant friends now). If they aren't pregnant, they are trying. And here we sit, out of options. No more trying for us. Some days I can hardly bear it.

It feels like this immense failure has brought back some of the deep rooted sadness that losing my boy gifted me. I feel like I have been living with it lying dormant, just under my skin, and this current state of failure has brought it back out. Like a blanket it settles over me and I can't shake it off. I am close to tears most moments of most days. I feel like I am only now realising that I also lost two (three?) babies this year as well. I didn't let myself feel it before now because I was still moving. I was going forward, I was thinking "Right. Next step! Let's get going, time's a-wasting". But now there is no moving forward. There is no next step.

And I am a little over a week from the date I should have been giving birth to my first little lost one of 2010. A week. I would have had a baby by Christmas. It barely seems possible.



10 comments:

  1. Oh sweetie, I've noticed. I've missed you as well. I don't know what to say except know that I'm sending you a long-distance hug. This has to be a really tough time in your life.

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  2. I'm so sorry, I have noticed and have definitely missed you in the blogosphere! I wish there was more I could do, but none the less sending love, positive vibes, prayers, and hope for strength your way ((hugs))

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  3. Moving forward does help so much to ease the pain and I'm so sorry to hear you're at a standstill, at least for now. And having an unfulfilled Christmas due date stings horribly, I know. Of course prayers and well-wishes are being sent your way from across the world but I hope you also are getting good support right where you are.

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  4. That is one he'll of a lot of loss to hit you all at once. Big time. I wish it were different. It makes perfect sense that movement would keep some of the sadness at bay and no movement would highlight it. Missed you. ((( hugs )))

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  5. I'm so sorry ... anniversaries and milestones are never easy, and even harder when it seems like the rest of the world is moving without you. I'm thinking about you ... and wishing you the comfort of loved ones. *hug*

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  6. I've noticed that you haven't been blogging, you're one of my regulars that I read as soon as I see a new post up and I've missed you!!!

    I'm sorry that you're feeling like you are! And on the 8 pregnant friends, I'm telling ya there is something in the water at the minute, it fees like EVERYONE is getting knocked up round me!!

    ~x~

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  7. Don't have any words, wish I could give you a big warm hug!

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  8. I am so sorry for the loss of your babies and Starbaby , that you have to endure the curse of infertility as another Christmas approaches.
    I wish I could give you a hug too.It's a really tough time to sturggle with infertility at nay time let alone with 8 pregnant friends.
    I am glad your friend Nic is on the mend.

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  9. Oh...my heart is breaking with yours. I lost two this year and there will be no more for us. Sending you love as your due date approaches. Tears and hugs.

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  10. oh man. I'm so sorry Suzy. I'm just catching up on blogs now (after being absent myself in both the physical and mental senses). So sorry about this hard year, and about the awfulness around the November transfer. Sending huge love.

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