money money money, must be funny, in a rich man's world

I think I am getting better.
I'm Tonka Tuff.
When I put Manny down for a nap just now, instead of crawling into bed, I am sitting upstairs. This is progress, I've been lazy for months now feeling sorry for myself.


I had a big freak out the other day about money (seems to happen after every failure, where I look at the tens of thousands of dollars we have poured into this process). It's amazing, ALL out friends earn SO much more than us. I didn't realise until we had a conversation about it with some of them a few months ago. How did that happen? I thought we were pretty average, but then all our friends (who all have different jobs) all seem to be earning DOUBLE what we are. Huh?

This makes me do two things:
1) think "what the freaking heck are they wasting all their money on?" I think we live really nicely, but I guess we are very frugal.
2) start thinking "damn it we need new jobs! I need to work full time!"

Of course after my freak out and jealousy fit, I settled down and remembered that I chose to not have the lucrative career, I chose not to work full time in order to run my home. Do I wish Lou earnt more? Of course I do. Mostly because she should be earning more, her work is underpaying her. But she loves her job, and the industry is suffering a bit at the moment so she doesn't want to rock the boat by saying "Oi! Gimme money" ;)

We don't need much. I enjoy thrift shopping and saving money. I don't believe my children need new toys every month. We have everything we need and then some. Well, we are also in a lot of debt right now but once the house sells we will be debt free (aside from our current mortgage)

Its a lot like fertility. I am okay with waiting. I am okay that I am not pregnant right now (no, actually I am. I believe in a higher power having a plan for me and if this is the plan, then I accept it). But if I look at other people who are pregnant, other people who don't have trouble conceiving and never miscarry or lose babies, then I become deadly jealous and want it NOW.

I am fine with us not having much money. We get by and have a lovely life. But when I look at people I know who have so much more money coming in, I get jealous and think of everything I could do and achieve if I had that kind of money! And then I want MORE!

So my lesson learnt today is: be happy with what you have. And for heaven's sake...stop comparing your life to others! Because really, my life is pretty amazing. My partner is everything I ever asked for and then some, and my kids are priceless. We have a lovely (unrenovated, but still) house full of lovely things. I have so much to be thankful for.

This is what gets me through grief, and envy, and all those nasty emotions that come with it.

Break In

Whyyy?
Once again I had a lovely entry planned all about our new investment property and how excited I am that we are discovering things like beautiful timber floors under the disgusting carpet...how I think it'll come up so nicely and be a great investment.....

then on my way into work this morning I get a phone call "Hi it's Constable *** from the **** police station is this Suzy ***?"
Me (frantically thinking what I did to break the law recently) "Uh yes?"
Him "Are you the current owner of ** *** Rd, ***?"
Me (sinking feeling) "Yes"
Him "There's been a break-in overnight".

Oh FFS. Apparently some asshole broke in (or tried to break in, we aren't certain yet) through a front window. Apparently there is also a "significant amount of blood" all over the front porch.

EW.

So some little fucker clearly saw us working there all day yesterday and thought there might be something of value there (powertools maybe??). They can't tell if anything was taken from inside because apparently all the doors are still locked.

Well sucks to be you, little would-be-thief. My wife is paranoid and left nothing there except some cheap painting equipment. I hope you feel really stupid right now.

(I also really hope you are not currently bleeding to death all over my nice timber floors).

What do I hope for?

So I was goin to come on and post about the GOOD things in my life right now (for there are many, not the least of which is we sold our second renovation property in just THREE DAYS!!!! Yay!!!) But my life being the rollercoaster it is, will not allow me to come on and have a happy post.

There is something seriously hinky going on with my vision.

I am severely myopic and progressive myopic. My current prescription is around -9.5 with astigmatism in both eyes. So my sight is pretty damn bad. I've been wearing contact lenses for about 13 years.

Just a few weeks ago, my left eye started going blurry every now and then. I thought my lens was moving around, but it just kept happening, which was unusual. One night when it went blurry again, I took out my lenses and put my glasses on. The left eye was still blurry. Perplexed, I took my glasses off. And got the shock of my life when I could SEE THE TV with my left eye, with no glasses. (For those of you lucky people with 20/20 vision, a person with -9.5 is almost blind, I cannot see my own hand in front of me with no glasses.)

Needless to say, I was shocked. I went into my optometrist, but of course my vision was back to normal when he saw me. He'd never heard of anything like it happening before, so he sent me to an eye surgeon/physician. The eye surgeon also said he'd never heard of it happening, but perhaps it was diabetes. He wants me to have blood tests.

I went back to my optician today. My left eye is almost permanently "off". His only other theory is brain tumor pressing on the optic nerve. He did the field vision tests, they were all clear and normal (90% of the time, this will show if there is a brain tumour.)

Now he wants me to go to a neuro-opthamologist, and I assume I will need another CT scan.

This clearly is problematic as if this pregnancy is by some miracle actually viable, I will have to put it at risk by having CT scans. On that note, I had another blood test this morning, and will soon know whether I need to even worry about the effects of CT scans.

I don't know what to hope for - a good result (yay! pregnant) will mean serious concern and putting it at risk by having scans. A bad result (boo, another miscarriage) means I can have as many scans, tests, treatment that I need.

What do I hope for?