I'm Tonka Tuff.
When I put Manny down for a nap just now, instead of crawling into bed, I am sitting upstairs. This is progress, I've been lazy for months now feeling sorry for myself.
I had a big freak out the other day about money (seems to happen after every failure, where I look at the tens of thousands of dollars we have poured into this process). It's amazing, ALL out friends earn SO much more than us. I didn't realise until we had a conversation about it with some of them a few months ago. How did that happen? I thought we were pretty average, but then all our friends (who all have different jobs) all seem to be earning DOUBLE what we are. Huh?
This makes me do two things:1) think "what the freaking heck are they wasting all their money on?" I think we live really nicely, but I guess we are very frugal.
2) start thinking "damn it we need new jobs! I need to work full time!"
Of course after my freak out and jealousy fit, I settled down and remembered that I chose to not have the lucrative career, I chose not to work full time in order to run my home. Do I wish Lou earnt more? Of course I do. Mostly because she should be earning more, her work is underpaying her. But she loves her job, and the industry is suffering a bit at the moment so she doesn't want to rock the boat by saying "Oi! Gimme money" ;)
We don't need much. I enjoy thrift shopping and saving money. I don't believe my children need new toys every month. We have everything we need and then some. Well, we are also in a lot of debt right now but once the house sells we will be debt free (aside from our current mortgage)
Its a lot like fertility. I am okay with waiting. I am okay that I am not pregnant right now (no, actually I am. I believe in a higher power having a plan for me and if this is the plan, then I accept it). But if I look at other people who are pregnant, other people who don't have trouble conceiving and never miscarry or lose babies, then I become deadly jealous and want it NOW.
I am fine with us not having much money. We get by and have a lovely life. But when I look at people I know who have so much more money coming in, I get jealous and think of everything I could do and achieve if I had that kind of money! And then I want MORE!
So my lesson learnt today is: be happy with what you have. And for heaven's sake...stop comparing your life to others! Because really, my life is pretty amazing. My partner is everything I ever asked for and then some, and my kids are priceless. We have a lovely (unrenovated, but still) house full of lovely things. I have so much to be thankful for.
This is what gets me through grief, and envy, and all those nasty emotions that come with it.
Infertility does that, it makes you no be able to see what you have and be grateful for it...I'm jealous of people who manage to actually have viable pregnancies and then living breathing children.
ReplyDeleteSome days I can easily see what I have, other days it's barely clear....today is one of those days.
And re money, it's not the be all and end all. You always manage no matter how much or little you're bringing in. Some of our happiest times have been when we've had barely any money - times I wish we could go back to. I hear you on being paid what you're worth though...!
x
I am the world's most jealous mofo. In fact, I am now jealous of you for having such wisdom in your post.
ReplyDeleteMoney. Ugh. Someone said once, "Do you want to know what God thinks of money? Look who he gave it to." Aside from the gender bias in this statement (it just didnt translate well to Universe, I tried it), so much about it bugs me. I could sure use a little more, no matter how crappy it is.
Good msg on focus. As usual, your msg tells me what I need to hear today.
Beautifully written. Sometimes turning it over and realizing we are taken care of is the hardest yet most freeing step to take....
ReplyDeleteThank you for a good reminder. I'm (sometimes) pretty OK about things when I'm here at home with my family, but when I leave the house and see how easy it all is for other people who are not trying NEARLY as hard as I am - CRASH!!
ReplyDeleteI admire you so much for your ability to think of the big plan. I struggle with this every day. Your family is so much more important than all of the money in the world, and it sounds like you definitely know this!!!
ReplyDelete