I was terrified from the moment I woke up this morning. Luckily Lou managed to take an hour off to come with me and we went first thing in the morning.
First thing off the bat was the "wow you have a gigantic cyst on your right ovary" which told me that I probably did not release both of the two perfect follicles that I thought I did. Then she found one gestational sac, with yolk sac and heartbeat.
Yay, right?
I'm really not sure why I wasn't excited by this.
I don't know what she was doing differently, it's the same machine I've had lots of scans on, but everything was really grainy and unclear. I've seen my share of early ultrasounds and what I saw looked nothing like a baby at 6+ weeks.
The largest she could get it to measure was 5w5d and that was on about her 15th attempt.
So I left, not really knowing what to think. Lou was buoyant, thrilled at a heartbeat. She couldn't understand why I wasn't.
I left, completely detached from even the idea of this pregnancy, and that's pretty much where I am now. I guess now I just wait and see what happens. If it all ends next week as it normally does, I will not be surprised.
Oh Suzy. it's ok to be scared and prepare for the worst, but that won't make it hurt any less if it happens. I can feed you all the stuff about early measurements being off by a few days being fine, but it won't matter. You're a worrier, like me, and that's ok.
ReplyDeleteTry and be easy with yourself, and allow yourself the ability to let joy creep in. Even if it's only for a moment or two. Many hugs for you. I pray next week is uneventful.
just remember that it ain't over til the fat lady sings - and i don't plan to sing.
ReplyDeletei understand the fear - you know i do but PLEASE sprinkle that fear with a little bit of hope - we never know what tomorrow will bring but RIGHT NOW you've got a teeny tiny heart beating inside your belly - how amazing is that?!!?!
sending bucketloads of love and sticky thoughts your way xxxxxxxxxxxx
*hugs* FWIW, both my pregnancies (the one that ended ~11.5 weeks and the one that resulted in n) had giant cysts on my ovaries (go go luteal cyst!), and no or barely a hb at 6w, let alone a proper looking sac and embryo.
ReplyDeleteHoping that this means an n pregnancy for you, and not what you expect. <3 <3
Sending you hope for next week's ultrasound. Right now, try to focus on that baby's heartbeat! But I completely understand. After losing a baby after heartbeat, I know that it's just one more step. Sending you hugs...
ReplyDeleteThis must be so so so hard:(
ReplyDeleteI get that you need to detach and protect from more hurt and devastating disappointment.
(( big hugs ))
It can take a long time to feel attachment ... I can understand why you wouldn't. I'm hoping for more good news for you, and glimmers of joy. *hug*
ReplyDeleteLurker here : ) I have no fantastic or wise words for you, happy you saw a heartbeat. Just hoping and praying for you and your little one and for a healthy & continued pregnancy...keeping you in my thoughts.
ReplyDelete