Monday, February 21, 2011

some days I forget...and then I remember.

Most days, you would never know that my child died.
Most people, probably forget that my child died.

I don't walk around crying. I don't talk about him much. I do bring him up in conversation, but not all the time. I don't even carry my grief around with me like a security blanket anymore. It is tucked into a white box under my bed with some of my momentos of him. Every now and then I pull it out, I pull him out, I pull my grief out, and I cry. I cry, and cry and remember him. Remember how I ached for him, how I wailed for him.

But most days, most days I am not a bereaved mother. I am, but you wouldn't know it.

Some days however - like tonight - the realisation of what happened weighs me down like a thousand pound weight on my chest. And I remember. My son died. My baby died. My beautiful 3 pound 7 ounce boy died, and then he was born, and then he was buried. And we were left here on earth to muddle through the rest of our lives without him.

On Sunday, one week from today, he will turn three.

There will be no birthday cake, no balloons. No party with friends and family. No trucks to unwrap, no new books as gifts. There will be no games, no laughter.

There will be tears, and memories of love and loss. There will be pain. And more tears.



8 comments:

  1. Abiding with you as you remember your son on the third year of his birth & death. It is such an odd thing, how our grief changes yet is always a part of us after losing a child. Hoping you are granted a peaceful moment to remember & honor your son ((hugs))

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  2. Oh goodness I know that weight too.

    Remembering your sweet Starbaby with you.

    xxx

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  3. Remembering with you ... in peaceful but sad celebration of a small, too-short life. *hug*

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  4. Uh, or I could have just copied and pasted your post into mine. You ARE my soul-sister aren't you? xoxo Love you.

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  5. "There will be no birthday cake, no balloons. No party with friends and family."

    why not? yes it's sad [believe me i know] and i'm not suggesting turning sunday into a huge big happy happy party but why can't you have a birthday cake in memory of him, release balloons and spend the day with family and friends remembering your son?

    the tears and sadness [unfortunately] will always be there, just around the corner waiting so we have to make sure we grab the happy times with all our might, make them happen if need be.

    on sunday i shall be thinking of you and yours and your son and sending some peace your way.

    ~x~

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  6. Sending you a hug... and remembering your boy.

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  7. Most days, you would never know that my child died.
    Most people, probably forget that my child died.

    I cannot think of words that feel more true.
    Abiding with you, and hoping there are more memories than tears. Dear week, please be gentle.

    ReplyDelete

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