Friday, March 9, 2012

Contradictions

Almost another month has passed. My crazy 2 year old is officially now a crazy 3 year old. My perfect newborn is now the cutest annoyance ever, refusing to sleep in his lovely cradle, and must sleep between us. And he is a restless sleeper. And every time he wakes, he feels he MUST FEED. So my sleep is pretty much non existent.

Manny was a terrible sleeper. I remember when he was about nine months old, rejoicing to a friend that he had only woken up 5 times that night. It was a record for him.
She was appalled.

But at least with him, once I took Rocket to school in the morning I could come home and lay on the couch with him and watch tv, and nap. Feed him, make myself lunch, nap some more. Go pick up Rocket from school, maybe nap again. Go for a walk, do some shopping, nap. That was pretty much it.

This time around, I cannot sit down for more than a minute because Manny is a wild child who needs to be supervised 24/7. And he resists naps. I have become an expert at breastfeeding while walking around the house. I can feed the baby, take Manny to the bathroom, clean up, cook dinner etc all at the same time.

But I also have a million errands to run all the time for myself, for Lou, for my mother (who we are living with), for the boys. Rocket has playdates, and basketball training, and guitar lessons, and basketball games. He has real homework, and issues to contend with.

We are feeling severe financial pressure and we are renovating our house to sell it and pay down our debts. It is taking way longer than planned and way more money. We are officially out of money. It still needs at least $10,000 to finish. We also have two investment properties that need renovating (and are therefore vacant). I am trying to co-ordinate everything constantly and honestly, it feels like a full time job.

Every day is a rush from one thing to another. I keep asking "when does it slow down?!?"

But this is where the contradictions come in. I am the one that makes my life this busy. I mean, sure, I'd still have the three boys to deal with, but if we didnt own the properties, life would be 1000 times simpler. I'd have more time with Lou (I've barely even seen her for the past four weeks) and she would have more time with the kids.

I know it's what we have to do to get ahead, as she earns peanuts and I'm unemployed, but still. Sometimes I wish I was the kind of person who could just sit on my ass and collect government benefits. But I'm not.

I know that my perpetual busy-ness is my own fault, because I have this need to always have something on the go. But I am starting to get tired of it. I mean really, I am not even working anymore and I STILL have no time to do the things that I really want to do!

I want to get creative, and I want to start on the business ideas that I've had for years. Just little things to do for pocket money, because I enjoy them. But when I have a few spare hours, I find myself in front of the tv, browsing facebook on my phone. Because I honestly dont have the energy for anything else. And then I feel  like a failure. Like I should be able to do it all.

What scares me the most, to be perfectly honest, is that I have had no time at all to enjoy our new gift, our tiny baby boy. I feel like I dont even know him. I certainly havent bonded with him. And that scares the crap out of me.

1 comment:

  1. Bonding will happen over time. You may feel like you don't know him well yet, but he knows you inside out, and you are everything to him, his whole world. And he can wait for the busy-ness to slow down, he absolutely forgives you. Wishing you many nights of peaceful sleep. Our 7 month old doesn't much like sleep either, and neither did her big brother who is just over two. So I get the mindless Facebook surfing!
    Love to you.
    xo

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