Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Ten Weeks


I have come back so many times to try and write an entry, and just haven't been able to.

As of today, I am ten weeks pregnant.

Just typing that scares me. It scares me that it could still end at any moment. It scares me so much that I think I am still in some kind of protect-my-heart-denial.

The same denial that I wrapped myself up in each time I was pregnant, and each time I miscarried. The same denial that prevented me from falling apart each time I lost another precious little baby. I just took it all in my stride. I was so tough.

I wasn't tough. I wasn't a "trooper". I was in denial. I still am. He has graduated to Fetus stage. He looks like a real baby now. But I still can't quite wrap my head around it.

I had a bunch of things that I wanted to do to celebrate, to commemorate this pregnancy. Photo series', collecting pieces of fabric each week to put together to make a little baby quilt for the baby...but I haven't been able to bring myself to it. I just can't.

And every day that goes by reminds me that I am letting all this pass me by, too afraid to feel anything.

Except nausea.

I feel that 24 hours a day.

10 comments:

  1. You already know my thoughts but I'd like to add, it's never too late to start :)

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  2. i can't say anything that will help you feel better - in fact i think what i want to say would just piss you off and perhaps make you feel better and so i shall say nothing cept this - Kristi's last 6 words are da bomb.

    sending hugs my friend

    ~x~

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  3. *perhaps NOT make you feel better

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  4. It's ok to feel how you're feeling right now. When you're ready, you'll start.

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  5. Sending big hugs from North Dakota. You can do this. Go find some fabric you LOVE.

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  6. 10 weeks - how wonderful! And it's ok to feel what you're feeling - you have plenty of time!

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  7. I so wish that you were local, and I could bring you my famous pregnancy nausea-reducing muffins.

    And you are perfectly justified in feeling however you feel. The important thing isn't the journaling or quilting or photos ... it's taking care of yourself.

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  8. Oooh, I love the quilt idea! Even though you can't do it right now (which I TOTALLY get), later on I hope you're able to do something special for this baby. 10 weeks - I'm so delighted for you!

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  9. When you are ready - until then, I'll be happy and unguarded about it enough for the both of us. Excuse me while I shout it from my rooftop - I'm so happy!

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  10. I wonder if that protect-my-heart denial ever actually goes away? After what you've been through I just don't think it's possible to float happily through pregnancy. This is scary stuff you're doing. Hopefully the fear will wane as time goes on, but if it doesn't, I hope you don't beat yourself up over it. Just getting by is good enough. You'll have plenty of time when this little person is born (in a good 25+ weeks and not before!) to revel in him/her.

    Sorry about the nausea though, not fun. I hope it starts to fade as you get closer to 12w.

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