It's interesting, a large part of the reason I started this new blog was to create a space for my whole family, for myself, for my own evolution. Like my dearest Aunt Becky I was making 2010 the Suzy-Year where I would come into my own and finally achieve some of the things I have wanted to do for years but put off.I wanted to move forwards. I spent so much time in my grief-fog that I wanted to come out of it and move on. Part of that was letting go of my babyloss blog.
And yet...
In creating my new list of blogs to follow - my fellow DBM's blogs make up 90% of it.
Every second post I want to compose is about him.
Am I not ready to let go yet?
Or has his death started to define me, the way I swore it never would?
Or is it all just because we are edging closer, and closer, and closer towards his 2nd birthday, and the 2nd anniversary of his death?
It could be the second birthday thing but I think he's just a part of who you are now. That doesn't mean that (likely) the single worst days of your life totally define who you are but I guess it would be kind of like trying to take the vanilla out of a milkshake. It would be near impossible and it wouldn't taste near as good either. He's added an important something to your life even if it felt horrible at the time. Don't feel bad about mentioning him and don't feel bad about not mentioning him. When you start editing your thoughts, that's where you're going to start feeling stifled again.
ReplyDeletexoxo
Anniversaries always bring out more thoughts. From where I stand, I don't think that you're letting his death define you. However, as Kristi said above, it IS a part of you, and there's no going back and changing that. Time will change how his death and your loss change and affect you, but I don't think it'll ever NOT.
ReplyDeleteSix years out from my brother's death, I can say that this is true for me, at least. At the time, a good friend who had also suffered an enormous loss, said to me that it was like having a hole in your heart. The hole never closes, but over time, the sound of the wind blowing through it gets a bit more quiet.