Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Some days are diamonds...some are just lumps of coal

Rough night last night.

Cried for the first time in awhile - the ugly kind of crying, complete with sobbing, snotty nose, face smeared with tears, clutching at your heart like if you could just take it out you might feel a moment of peace...that type of crying. Ugh it is tiresome.

And here I am another day where he is all I can think of to write about. I go to all the effort of moving blogs but I guess it's like life. You can't run away from the things that are hard or hurtful in your life, they will follow you. I wanted this to be a fresh start, light hearted, not polluted with all the grief I carried for so long.

I thought I was past this! For so long I didn't even write on my blog because there was nothing babylost related to report. The rest of my life was ticking along nicely. Hence the move, hence the new blog. But then here we are edging closer. and closer. and closer. to two years (T minus 4 days and counting) and I feel myself falling further and further back into the old pattern of reading a deadbabyblog, crying for the baby, then crying for my baby, sobbing on the floor and eventually crying myself to sleep.

Rinse. Lather. Repeat.

And it is tiring. It is exhausting. And it all started because I was trying to pick a photo to put in my sidebar of my Little Man.

I am filled with such strong emotions at the moment. There is so much love, but then there is also a scary amount of hatred. A disturbing amount of jealousy and envy. A general spitefulness that never existed prior to my loss. I think of all the women who pledge to do great things after their babies die. Women who say the loss has made them better people. I do not believe mine has. Or perhaps, that ever looming anniversary is just overwhelming literally everything in my life.

So I am left here today, utterly exhausted, barely able to keep my eyes open, and utterly unable to think of anything else.



9 comments:

  1. how can we give you strength? you know we're here for you.

    big, big, super big hugs!

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  2. Love you. Was "there" last week and still haven't kicked it... You're not alone my friend.

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  3. Just know that us bloggy girls are here to support you, however you need us.

    HUGS

    ~ICLW

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  4. Wish I could be there to pass the tissues. ((((HUGS))))

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  5. I'm sorry for how you're feeling. i have no words that can make it better but I'm thinking of you.

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  6. Thank your for your comment on my blog!

    I've been going through your blog and catching up on posts (yes, I think I'm a little addicted). I am so sorry for your loss. I'm sure you're tired of hearing that, but it's true.

    I don't know yet myself how long it will be before I feel...recovered. Sometimes I think, maybe never. Not wholly. How do you recover from something like that? And I imagine that I'll find myself right where you are a year from now. It's a crappy place to be. There isn't anything to fix it, but I have to hope that time will make it better. Still, there are those moments of raw anguish...but they come and go. They pass and life goes back to normal for a little while.

    I hope you find more peace as time passes.

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  7. I'm so sorry for your loss. Truly, from my heart, I am. But as most have said above me, we're here for you. I'm new to you, and I think you to myblog, but, regardless, I'm here. Huge Hugs to you and a hand extended to help you get up from the floor...when you're ready. xo

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