Some days are diamonds...some are just lumps of coal

Rough night last night.

Cried for the first time in awhile - the ugly kind of crying, complete with sobbing, snotty nose, face smeared with tears, clutching at your heart like if you could just take it out you might feel a moment of peace...that type of crying. Ugh it is tiresome.

And here I am another day where he is all I can think of to write about. I go to all the effort of moving blogs but I guess it's like life. You can't run away from the things that are hard or hurtful in your life, they will follow you. I wanted this to be a fresh start, light hearted, not polluted with all the grief I carried for so long.

I thought I was past this! For so long I didn't even write on my blog because there was nothing babylost related to report. The rest of my life was ticking along nicely. Hence the move, hence the new blog. But then here we are edging closer. and closer. and closer. to two years (T minus 4 days and counting) and I feel myself falling further and further back into the old pattern of reading a deadbabyblog, crying for the baby, then crying for my baby, sobbing on the floor and eventually crying myself to sleep.

Rinse. Lather. Repeat.

And it is tiring. It is exhausting. And it all started because I was trying to pick a photo to put in my sidebar of my Little Man.

I am filled with such strong emotions at the moment. There is so much love, but then there is also a scary amount of hatred. A disturbing amount of jealousy and envy. A general spitefulness that never existed prior to my loss. I think of all the women who pledge to do great things after their babies die. Women who say the loss has made them better people. I do not believe mine has. Or perhaps, that ever looming anniversary is just overwhelming literally everything in my life.

So I am left here today, utterly exhausted, barely able to keep my eyes open, and utterly unable to think of anything else.