eternal optimism

This afternoon I go for CT scans. Not looking forward to (a) the radiation and probability than my cancernoia will actually be the cause for me getting cancer from the number of scans I have (b) having to actually have the contrast dye injection which I have managed to avoid until now and (c) the wait after the scan to find out if I have massive brain tumours pressing on my optic nerves. Yeah I'm an optimist.

To tell you the truth I am terrified. More terrified than ever before. My eyes have become so bad in the last three days that I can hardly read the words I am typing (thank god for those touch typing classes in tenth grade). I have never been so convinced that there actually might be something drastically wrong. I may bitch and complain but I love my life and would like to continue living it for many many years.

So far today is not going all that well, so I am hoping all the shit will be out of the way before I head in. Just contacted the crappy clinic to talk to my doctor about doing a FET this cycle...only to be told "Well he's away until the 2nd of October, but I'll certainly pass him that message then" Are you fucking kidding me? I'd like to know why it skipped his mind to tell me this when I spoke to him just over a week ago. This means waiting at least another cycle and when you feel like you're running out of time...well one cycle means a lot.

The scared part of me now is thinking "Maybe this is why you miscarried. Maybe this is why you can't do the FET this cycle. Maybe it's because you will need urgent brain surgery."

See? Eternal optimist...