Sunday, September 19, 2010

Motivation...or lack thereof

I want to be better. Better than I am right now. I want to get off my ass and do something but I continue to pitifully make excuses for myself.

"Manny is sick, when he gets better I will xxxx"

"I just need to get over the miscarriage, then I'll xxxx"
closely followed by "I just need to get over this miscarriage, then I'll xxxx"

"As soon as I get over this cold I'll xxxx"

But here I still sit night after night, watching reruns of ER and surfing through blogs.

I want to have an immaculate house where everything has a place. Who am I kidding? I vaccuum twice a day in our living/kitchen area, so vast is the mess my boys create in mere minutes. Immaculate is just not going to happen. Between my darling boys creating chaos in every direction, and my Lou coming home and leaving bags/coats/miscellaneous crap strewn from one end of the house to the oasis is more of a junkpile. Plus everything here is so temporary. We are only here until we sell our other house and get the money to renovate. Then we will renovate and sell this place and buy our forever house. So at the moment we feel like we are living as squatters here.

I want to finally get back into creating. I want to take more photos. I want to finally start some photobooks of the boys. I want to use all the reams and reams of fabric I have sitting in the garage.

I want to finally jump into my own business. I know that I would be happier if I were kept busy instead of sitting here wishing I had the motivation to do something. WHen it's not urgent, I just don't do anything. I have discovered that I have only got proper motivation if I have a looming deadline and then I panicpanicpanic, stay up until 4am daily and gogogo until it is done, and am always amazed by the results.

I guess I am writing this all out in the hope that by having it all out there in black and white it will motivate me somehow. Hey, anything is worth a shot at this point!

And to finish this midnight post...I constantly feel like my heart might burst with gratitude for the fact that I do not have brain tumours! And my babies are strong and healthy and my partner is here, and healthy and alive. Honestly, I do not want anything more out of this life than that.


  1. A slight saga. Bear with me.
    I suffered PND after having J last year. I thought I would never EVER get out of the big dark hole. One day, I had my blood tested, as I do every few months, to check my B12 status. What came back was that I had potentially malignant red cell formation, and not for something relatively treatable like leukaemia, but for multiple myeloma. I had to have a protein banding blood test, which takes a week to come back.
    It was the day before we went on our first big family holiday. It was our two year wedding anniversary. J was five months old.
    I spent six days of that holiday feeling like I was on death row. All I could think of was that for the next six months, I'd be having debilitating treatment and then I'd die. Never see J grow up. Never be able to be his mummy. Leave him with a life of fuckedupness.
    And when they gave me the all clear, I was delighted. I felt like I'd been given my life back.
    But it took a little while to sink in. For a week or so afterwards, I still felt like death was pulling at my heels.
    Once I recovered from the shock and then the delight, I found my motivation. I found my old self, recovered from PND and started living for today and not some imagined glossy future.
    Nothing like a near-death experience to pull you round.
    <3 x

  2. It's good to hear you talk about goals ... and it's such a relief to hear that the scan came back negative! Maybe you can break off one little piece of this at a time ... and give yourself a deadline? Just don't have an immaculate house, OK? :)

  3. Revel in every moment of your life from this point forward!

    Everyday is a miracle for you to squeeze every second out of.


  4. You sound like a million bucks. While it is easy to get under all those goals (just this morning I woke up to talk with mine at 3am), you sound like you are enjoying the whole development of the relationship.

    I am so glad to see you here my dear! I wish I had been more sensitive to your fear.



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