Monday, September 13, 2010

Uniforms, tattoos and weddings (totally unrelated topics)

I am having a dyslexic day. And it is annoying me.

This entry may be somewhat disjointed, also, but it's unavoidable as it is just how I feel right now.


I need to buy Rocket a new school shirt. The uniform shop was closed this morning (this also annoyed me). School photos are tomorrow morning. Looks like I will be lining up with the 300 other slack parents who wait until school photo day to buy their kids a uniform shirt that isn't spattered with paint/has holes cut in it from scissor experiments in first grade. Is it wrong that he is still wearing the shirts I bought him in reception (that's nearly four years ago!) I mean, they were big on him back then and a little small on him now...and have been spattered with paint for a good three of those nearly-four years...but that's ok, right?


I went to see my tattoo artist on Thursday. I made an appointment right before I got pregnant with Walnut and had to cancel (obviously) and didn't contact her again for nearly two months. She was concerned, hoped everything was ok* (no! it's all shit!) I said I was fine. I'm always fine.

That morning, I went to grab Star's sheets of hand and footprints (as she is tattooing his foot on me) and they weren't where they should have been.
I didn't panic, I just went to look in the other memory box. Not there either.
Here I began to frown.
Are they in his babybook? No.
Are they in the filing cabinet? No.
I call Lou "Have you seen them?" No.

I was running late by this point so I left without them. How could I have lost the only copies? More to the point, how could I be so stupid not to make more copies in case this exact thing ever happened! I had two and a half years!

On the upside, Lou discovered that we did have another set of hand and footprints. Not as clear with detail but a better outline, done by the hospital, given to us at the appointment for his autopsy results. I've never really looked much in that envelope. So all is not lost, and I will take in both the print, and his casts so that she can get the detail just right. My first appointment is next week for 2 of the 3 new tattoos I now have lined up for the next few weeks :)


I am starting to get anxious about all this wedding planning business. I have to say, just one more thing that the whole IVF rollercoaster/shitstorm has impacted is the plans for our wedding. See I refuse to get married while pregnant**. So we decided to plan for it to happen in early 2011, as I was "supposed" to get pregnant last December (I would be due this week. *sigh* That would mean I would have a nearly 1 month old baby at home *sigh*). That would have given me 5 months to at least try to get my figure back (ha!) in time to look glamorous for the big day.

Then I got pregnant in April. There was no way that we could get married early next year if I was going to be giving birth in late December.
Then that baby died.
Then I got pregnant in July.
Then that baby died too.

Now I am considering a natural FET my next cycle. If that works, I'd be due in late June. That means we couldn't get married until the end of next year. I wish I had known. I wish I had known that come January, I would have been able to get married. I wish I had followed through with my plans. I wish we weren't doing IVF so I could plan this thing without having to take this all into consideration.

I do feel like I am on a rapidly escalating timeline with this wedding. I'm not going to explain why as it will seem petty and insane to most of you, but it's very real to us! It bothers me that we won't be able to even think of getting married for over another year. And what if this FET goes the same old way? What if, come next year, we are still trying to get a baby that lives? It's just all too much. I feel like time is running away from me....

*I should note that she is an old friend of mine - we've been friends for over ten years so it's not odd for her to worry about me!
** this is not negotiable. I'd love to just say "Ah to hell with it, if I'm pregnant at the wedding that'd be fine" but it's really not ;)


  1. I am so sorry to see joyful wedding plans blended with your loss.

    I am grateful for the ** for surely I would have put my foot in it.

  2. I can understand not wanting to be pregnant on your big day ... but I wish I could convince you to entertain the idea of wedding planning anyway ... you so deserve some joy, and though most people might not see it this way, a wedding seems to me much easier to plan than having a child ... if only it weren't so complicated!



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