Tuesday, March 23, 2010

DBM Support - FAIL

There is another DBM (deadbabymom) at my work.

We didnt used to work on the same floor and I had minimal interaction with her. When she got pregnant, I had just lost my Starbaby. When she got pre-eclampsia and was rushed to hospital, I was pregnant with Monster baby.

When her baby had to be induced at 25 weeks because if he wasn't, they would both die, I was at home.

When he died in the NICU after fighting for two months, I was on leave.

When she and I were both back at work, I had a newborn and she didn't. I avoided her. When he first died, I wanted to be there for her, but I didnt really even know her. I should have reached out and I didnt.

We now work on the same floor. I went into her office to get something that was stored in there and saw a bag full of tiny tiny knitted hats. I stopped dead in my tracks. I knew what they were for. I wanted to ask her "do you knit these?" I wanted to say "its wonderful" I wanted to say "I wish we'd had a tiny hat for Starbaby's head" I wanted to say "I think about J--- sometimes too" I wanted to say "you are not alone, you are not the only one".

Instead I grabbed what I needed and fled back to my desk with tears in my eyes.

FAIL Suzy. FAIL.



16 comments:

  1. You can always write her a quick note that says every single one of those things. We both know that it doesn't have to be that moment but it is the thought. Lots of love!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm sure she'd love someone who "understands" what she's going through to say those words to her. Maybe next time?

    ICLW #59

    ReplyDelete
  3. I agree with Crossed Fingers.

    It may hurt to start the conversation, but it may be what she needs.


    ICLW #145

    ReplyDelete
  4. I also agree, maybe you'll find a way to speak to her another time.

    ~Stopping by for ICLW! #78

    ReplyDelete
  5. Aww, I hope you can find the words to reach out to her next time. I completely understand not knowing what to say but sometimes it is more painful when people choose not to say anything at all.

    *sending you lots of courage*
    BTW--my best friend lost her baby at 20 weeks due to incompetent cervix. It was hard to know what to say or when to say it.

    ICLW

    ReplyDelete
  6. I am also very sorry about Starbaby. :( So sad. ((Hugs))

    ReplyDelete
  7. There are just times when the heart can not do what it wants to do - and the brain yells at it. Don't listen to the brain - I have learned to wait until the heart gets to the right point - that's when the words make the most sense and seem to help the best.

    ((((HUGS))))

    ReplyDelete
  8. I hate when I "fail" at things like this too. Sometimes you just want to jump them and let them know you're there, but you don't even know how to. [[hugs]] I think a note might help - or even the next time you're in the kitchen or bathroom together. A good time will come. P.S. Can't wait to see your photos!

    ReplyDelete
  9. There is no reason why you can't still reach out to her. You have both been through the same thing.. you both understand what each other is going through. I agree with a note :) You can both cry together and talk about what you lost. I can almost guarantee she will become your very best friend.. the only person why truly understands.

    ICLW #30

    ReplyDelete
  10. It's not too late. It really isn't. The pain she feels and the pain that still lingers in your heart is never going to fully go away. with so few people out there who can relate and say the right things- I'm sure it would do her heart a lot of good to know someone at work understands. It's not too late!

    And- even if she doesn't respond well, at least you know you did the right thing.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I've done a simialr thing. Sitting next to a db mom I hadn't met and did not know she was a member but who then over the course of the meal we were sharing she told me all about it. I sat and became oneof the people I hate, I just nodded and said how sad it was etc..I never shared my own story with her. I don't really know why, I guess I was just so shocked that I didn't know what to do.
    But now, it's been a year, I volunteer with her and work with her on a regular basis. I still have never said a word.
    A note to you co worker sounds like a good way to remove the elephant in the middle of the room.
    xxoo
    k@lakly

    ReplyDelete
  12. yes, maybe you could leave her a little note, just a "thinking of you", and let her know if she ever needs to talk someone, there is someone who does understand

    ReplyDelete
  13. It's so hard to seize these moments to connect because they're bound to be difficult and painful--but in all likelihood, redemptive, too. I don't think you missed your chance. Next time you're in her office, maybe give it a try?

    ReplyDelete
  14. That's okay. Please go back and try again. Maybe ask her for coffee. Connections matter, even if they are small ones. Your heart is in the right place.

    ICLW

    ReplyDelete
  15. It will be hard for you, too ... but I wouldn't see it as a FAIL. Sometimes all we can do is be there to witness each other's pain. You'll get up the courage to talk to her.

    Thanks for being here.

    ICLW#52

    ReplyDelete
  16. You are a good person. I understand how difficult it would be to say something to her. maybe writing her a note or something. She probably needs the support.
    ICLW

    ReplyDelete

LinkWithin

Related Posts with Thumbnails