I have cried so many times over the past two years you would think that there wouldn't be any left. And yet, we cry.
I read a blog entry by a dear DBM friend today, writing about the bitterness she feels every time a new pregnancy is announced. About how she doesn't understand why, she has gone on to have a beautiful living baby, but the bitterness and the pain is still there.
I feel her pain, I really do. There is a pregnancy in our family at the moment. And I find myself feeling the most intense and awful feelings towards both the expectant mother and even, the baby. I do not wish ill on them by any means. But the jealousy and the bitterness are at times overwhelming. I thought that it would lessen once I had my own 'rainbow' baby. That the bitterness would lessen because I too had experienced a pregnancy that ended well. But being on the other side has not lessened the angst I feel when I hear a pregnancy announcement. I want to scowl and spit and throw things. I don't, I do have some self control you know, but I want to.
I want to scream at this BIPP (blissfully ignorant pregnant person) in my family "I hate you! For no other reason than the fact that my baby died and yours probably will not" I want people to remember my starbaby because I think part of it feels like the more babies that come into this world, and into our lives, the less important his tiny, short, brief little life was. The less people will remember him.
Fuck. I'm becoming a person I dont even recognise.
I bought the BIPP a baby gift today. She is over 30 weeks now and I have not said a word to her since she announced it. Not a word. I planned on hating her forever and never holding her baby. Never commenting on it. Pretending it doesnt exist.
Who is this person? This is not me! I love babies!
I can't do it anymore. I feel like I am drowing in my own negativity, in my own hatred and anger. Enough is enough. I have flipped the switch and I will no longer indulge myself and allow myself to feel this way. I will embrace this new child and try to begin the journey towards getting to know the BIPP and hopefully I will feel a little lighter, a little less villain-esque and I can stop invoking years of bad karma.
So I bought her a gift. Then I decided maybe I will keep it for myself.
Baby steps, people. Baby steps.
Good for you, sweetie! I'm glad you took the step to buy a present!
ReplyDeleteBut I know exactly how you feel. I have some friends who only took a couple of months of trying to get pregnant, and she just recently took a trip to California to train for some weight lifting thing. Seriously??? Not only did you get pregnant right away, but you got to take a trip to California (I pretty much would kill for a trip to the ocean right now!) to some exercise thing that doesn't sound the slightest bit safe for a pregnant woman, and most likely when you walk out of the hospital, you'll already be back in pre-pregnancy clothes.
I love her dearly, but at the same time, I really want to punch her!
I don't want to be angry or jealous when my friends get pregnant when they "weren't even trying" but I almost can't help it. Then, when they rub their pregnant bellies and tell me they would just adopt if they were me, I want to punch them in their stupid pregnant faces.
ReplyDeleteThis is not me either. Sometimes we need to be a little bit unlike ourselves, because that is the only way to get that yuckiness out.
I see an ugly girl in the mirror on many occasions now too. This angry, mean, resentful person was "born" the minute I left the hospital with empty arms.
ReplyDeleteBaby steps sweetie - baby steps. If there is some kind of baby related function that I have to buy gifts for - I buy something for Bumble Bee too.
I think that because we recognize what we're doing - or how we've become - is a start. That's all we can ask for - and that's all people should expect. ((((HUGS))))
I had miscarriages, not losses like yours but when I see BIPP I also feel this sensation of jealousy and bitterness. I'm jealous that they get to have a worry-free pregnancy while I can't. They don't have any scars on their hearts like I do. That they take the child they have as a given, which I can't do. Its silly to me since I want to be a BIPP- so how can I begrudge this.
ReplyDeletePeople assume (heck I probably once assumed) that when you have more children, or you're caught smiling, or laughing that you've moved on and the past is pushed away and no longer counts- but it does. You can add to your life- but you never get rid of the hole that's left behind by loss.
I am so sorry you don't have your starbaby.
ReplyDeleteI am still embarassed I wrote that, but you know what? My bitterness is even worse 2 days later. And I hate myself for it because the announcement came from one of my best friends who has been more supportive of me than any other friend. But I am so jealous. Jealous of the ease. Jealous of everything going right for other people. I don't get why it's still so hard. I really don't.
Do not be embarrassed. Our blogs are a place to share our thoughts and you know what? Thoughts after stillbirth aren't always nice thoughts. I wanted you to know that your feelings are valid, and OK. I have the same feelings, and I know others who have them too.
ReplyDeleteI have spent a LONG time (waay more than 2 days ;) being enraged at BIPPs. A long time. It's hard, one of the hardest things for me to deal with after losing my boy.
I am jealous of SO MANY THINGS since I lost him.
All I can say is that yes, it is still hard, and losing a child changes you. Sometimes for good, sometimes not so good. I personally am just trying really, really hard to turn those feelings into something more positive, and am going into myself to work out what is a trigger for me feeling this way, and try to re-program myself.
I think its hard and it takes a long time.
Losing Hannah is not something that can happen and leave you without a few scars!!! This is one of the uglier ones :) We all have them.
Lots of Love to you and your babies (both of them)
First of all, I'm so sorry for your loss. I wish I could go through and read the blog posts you wrote in the days, weeks and months after your loss so I could better understand your journey.
ReplyDeleteSecond of all, I just wanted to say that not everyone who is newly pregnant or pregnant with their first child is blissfully ignorant. I was so anxious about getting pregnant and pregnancy loss that I had to start going to therapy while I was TTC. After I lost my first pregnancy to an ectopic at just seven weeks, my anxiety was even worse. Now I'm 29 weeks pregnant and think about stillbirth all the time. I'm terrified to put up the nursery and when my MIL buys me clothes the first thing I always think is, what will I do if I lose this baby? Will I throw them away or save them for another child? My anxiety has gotten so bad during this pregnancy that I started taking Zoloft at 14 weeks just to stay functional.
I'm not saying you shouldn't have thoughts of anger towards other pregnant women, that is absolutely understandable. I have those thoughts a lot of times too because I assume that pregnant women have had an easy time getting pregnant and just enjoy every minute of it. But I do want you to know that there are people who have never experienced your loss but who are very aware of it and very scared of it happening to them. We are not all blissfully ignorant.
I'm not trying to say I know how you feel just because I'm scared it could happen to me. I know that is not true. Even if I had lost a baby later in a pregnancy I wouldn't know how you feel. I could never know how you feel. The devastation must be absolutely mind-numbing, soul wrenching, literally heartbreaking. I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. I just wanted to let you know that not all women who haven't gone through it are unaware of it or unphased by it. Some of us are very aware of it and will always be haunted by it even if we never have to deal with it in the same way as you have. I know that will always make us different, and that I will always be on a different side than you, but please know that I'm very aware of your side, I read many blogs of mothers of lost little ones and I hold each and everyone of their stories close to my heart.
Thanks for sharing your story and your star baby with all of us.
Kait @ esperanzasays.wordpress.com